@2016-10-27
Were are you heading to.
You were living in a lie all your life now you have to take thing like they are.
You are having one of your greatest deception about love you ever had. the dream is dead.
You need a new dream.
you know what you cant have (true pure monogamy)
you know what you have (one sided fidelity)
you know what you dont want (status quo, stay that way)
you asked open relationship and its done.
now what do you want? were you see yourself in 10 years? what you want to accomplish?
for now i am without goal, i am not proud of my relationship, i am angry at the one i love. I wonder if i still love or there is just equinamy.
you just dont know what to do next. you have no life project to focus and you are unsatisfied of the return of you hard relational labor. she messed it all up.
you have wonderfull kids, with a excellent house wife and perfect compagnons, but she is also an abuser who cheated you often and putted you in unacceptable love triangle.
You had to broke her hearth to force her to beg pardon for what she did. It worked but at a cost. And now you dont trust her anymore.
She is like i cant live without you and you are like, i had a year to learn to live without you while you were loving someone else.
She deserve to be cheated, even with this you ask polyfidelity. and now start a new life. with no set goal. maybe is this happiness, no goal just enjoy.
She is my friend, it was hard to achieve it, because she never trusted you. Now you have the friendship with more respect than you ever had in the past.
You are not really turned on by thinking of her, but you know she is hot. And sex with her is still more pleasurable than masturbation. but there is a feeling that flew away. Butterfly in stomac make you a minutes man.
You realise that she never been yours. while having given her all your self appropriation. this is the deception. and because its the third time, you just dont want it anymore.
You dont know where you are aiming. list some teen/child/adult daydream.
  become a softwware dev. already there and it suck
  having a family, done
  having a faithfull wife, just thw wife, she is polyamorous.
  become a writer, doing
  become a martial art master, doing
  travel a lot, can be possible in the future, getting fit, and kid that grow, sooner or later you may go with a backpack

The backpack life.
  while being 15 i was daydreaming about traveling across the america hitchhiking. It was a great appeal to me. The strand movie gave me that idea.
  and then my imaginary world became a wasteland and i dreamed my life in a post apocalytic world.
  but me main idea was to live on the road and see new faces, leave new friend behind. I moved city to city a lot in my life, bond are not geographic. Friend come and go.
  20 years ago myelle offered me that trip for 3 weeks, it was awesome, it was wonderfull. The magic ended and i became miserable. I love you myelle.
  myelle said she is ready to do it with me. walking around the world when girls will be old enough.
  then the project is complete dematerialisation of your way of living. become fit and healthy. become emotionnaly stronger.
  you have 14 years to prepare that journey, at 49 you leave, myelle may come or not. Maybe you will stay for her. you know love.

till then you can become fit and a writer. and continu your software career while it pay the bills.

and the polyamory. you are slowly freeing your self from monogamy, while myelle want to drag you back in, you are definitly going away from it.
how your next lover will be. your have very low physical standar, you just want her to be good between ears. event ugly girl make your hearth skip a beat.
while you dont want to destroy a relationship with your adventure, you are confined to not touch your mutual firend with myelle. Then the two girl that you love are out of bound.
because you dont have any friend that are not mutual with myelle, you are screwed to find new relationship. you have to seduce someone who dont already know you.

I still consider myelle part of my project. while i am still upset at her, i still care for her, and still want to be by her side. i still want you myelle.
But i dont want just you anymore. while materialist i wanted just you and ton of toy. but now i just want to be but not only with you.
I want recreational sex, i want a platonic love with someone, i want a brief romance with a stranger. I need a new dream to wish for.

in short term i want to meet someone. in less short term i want to change my job for a more convenient one. in long term i want to run 10km.
while i feel i died inside, and a new personallity take place. i still feel what i was. 

Myelle want to do it with me.