For now she is denial. She is affraid. She is still not open to me.
I am feeling like I am constraining her into this.
We began a inside, "just two of us".
But she repeat, "only you" often. Like if she want me to return into jalousy.
She confessed that she wait to see how I react. Because she dont think it will last. She is talking about my resolution. Overcome jalousy and open myself.
Of course I have a long road to win her trust. She dont feel i will stay that way. ive been intolerant coleric man and i tell her i want to change.
She also worry the level of change i am making. So drastic. I'll take time to reprogram anyway.

since she accepted my sorrow and been honest on me. the casette stoped.
since i accepted her past infidelity , i accepted her future.
and because i want to be happy with you, i want you to be happy.
and you are not as happy as you think. you lived in fear of me.
and i lived on fear of you


it seam to drastic to be true
but i just dropped one expectation that was the end of the world for me.
I will accept you the way you are and i will change

@2016-07-21
she is not open in anything involving sex with someonelse.
she try to justify what happen with justin as midlife crisis
that she didnt notice it until the end.
it was uncontrollable.
and she swear it will never happen again
i ve been honest.
itold i have the frustration . she offered me a freepass. i said no.
i told that i am not going to cheat her.
i tryed to tell her that now im open. but missed it.
i only end up saying i am tempted but i still have the value to not arm other as if it was me.
my thought.
  her emotional infidelity is not a midlife crisis.
  because a midlife crisis is more life changing and last 2-4 years with woman 3-5 for men
  but a limerence fit lasting 2-6month
  she always been impulsive and naive
  the fact that she try to justify it that way. i was not myself. it was midlifecrisis. it wontever happen
  prove that she is more emotionnally driveb than cognitively
  i cant blane her for that. but i wont eat it.
  it was love. it was a bad love but it was it.
  i assume herbbehavior. i will respect the rules. 
  but i will not wait for another infidelity while being untouchable.
  i will ask permission when appropriate and stay open to polyamory. until she work it out in her head.

Its maybe bad to think that but the idea have entered her head and she will crunch it wether she want of not.
I will keep my new behavioral resolution and i wont cheat
thought i'll ask permission if im confronted to like my resolution say
And if she assume herself, she will bring back the subject.
Of course she is in denial. i was. And it spinned in my head.

@2016-07-22
yesterday she copied to couple contract online
she cried because i told her that i had some despite of her because of my deception, all time long.
of course i loved her, but i was feeling like i didnt had what i wanted in the couple.
I still beleave that position,
she promise she would change before i start building a familly with her, and she cheated, flirted and lied
She promise to change before wedding, and she emotionally cheated.
I was about to quit and i didnt had the ball to make my familly unhappy because of my ego. So i droped the expectation.
now she said it midlife crisis and make me feel she dont assume her act.
But I dont expect her to be faithfull anymore.
I offer her to possibility to tell me when it happen and get my support no matter what. She dont assume.
I droped fidelity as an expectation.
Now i know you are poly. and there were nothing i could do to prevent you to love someoneelse.
And I want you, you happy, with my kids. So fuck it, i accept, and it apply to me.

I just dont beleave its mid life crisis and you realised after the bad have been done.
Its like you are not assuming yourself, and try to tell me its not you that did this.
You cant reassure me that it wont happen again while saying you have no self controle. asking me to eat that is abuse and dishonest. but im not mad.
I stick to the fact that you are poly, and you had a selfish episode, you had before, you have sometime, i cant be mad about it i am more selfish than you.

If she is not polyamorous, then she cant love two at once.
Then her limerence completely erased me for a while. Assuming you still love me.

Of course you have the right to be jaelous, and i will support you.

@2016-07-25
i've gone too far with my madness yesterday, i made her cry every evening since the incident with LO.
She told me we need a break from that phase.
She told me that justin was a "I dont want to be an house wife" phase.
Its understandable, she admited selfishness.
I accepted the free pass, but i precised that I would unlikely use it, i wont enjoy if you are crouched like a featus think about it.
She told me that she will support me but not letting herself destroyed by it.
She is right. She was strong, She was awake in her brain. She wasnt dumb. She opened to me, like rarely.
I was satisfied by her honesty, and I cryed one last time, and told her its the last time i cover the subject. Thanked her.
We hugged, and did awesome sex the following night.
I dont intend to cheat, even if i want to, myelle can satisfy all my needs.
I wont loot for a pussy, but I will let myself connect with girl as if it was a guy.
If sincere feeling grow, i'll ask permission. but only if its true feeling, not just sex drive.
  we faced my anger for her only physical infidelity, she now understand how it hurted.
  we faced her emotional infidelity with Justin, and now negative intrusive though about her is gone.
I have now a new fidelity concept, were honesty is more important than body purity.
And a more tolerant approach on the relationship.
I acknowledge that she will Lie again to me.
I acknowledge that she will cheat again one day.
Beyond this , she is perfect. So i will tolerate that.
In order to tolerate that, I now considers that I can cheat/lie too.
I love her.


@2016-08-23
one last time, the reason she fucked her ex while pregnant, she though she wont be able to withstand monogamy.
If she told me that in first place i wouldnt accepted to be a couple.
But she did, she confessed, and acknowledge my pain. She is on her knee beggin for forgivness.