@2016-08-30 again i complained, why you cheat me, why you didnt had any remorse doing it. yet its not productive. she writen something in the usBook and said, tonight we need to talk. she said she had a cassette. maybe elyse confessed to myelle.Maybe she know. in that case i will be honest. Thing she wasnt back then. and my interest for elyse wont be lowered. She havent written to phil yet.maybe shell say that she wont. If so ill be disapointed and i am not sure of my reaction. maybe she caught me on dating site. i will be honest too. maybe she is just paranoying my infidelity, i should be honest on this. If she give me an ultimatum about "getting over it", would be rude, but i am rude with her. But ill not accept that she toss my feeling away. If she tell that i am too close to elyse. i swear i will not backoff ever again from a girl because of her. I just msged her that i am affraid, and she it too. asked if she want me to return home fast, she said she can wait. maybe its not that bad. It was about how she felt lonely while the college. She didnt think she was the woman of my life. @2016-09-06 We talked about tibo and elyse, something new, i am already grieving that relation. I think she backed off wisely. I told her (keep that for her) that he dont beleave in monogamy. That we were the only example he know. She replied, well only you. and cried "I am so sorry". She later said, i missed your smile, i feel like shit these day. i see this as an acceptation of her polyamorous behavior. But still in my head I think: "yes i married a slut" i see this as an acceptation of her polyamorous behavior. But still in my head I think: "yes i married a slut" "i am still labeling myself as a cuck" While i am able to give her a massage, make love to her and enjoy it. Its getting harder to feel the butterfly. and my erection is not that easily triggerable as before I have to admit that i wonder if i still love her or am i just working it hard for the familly. off course it doesnt change the choice. Do i love her ? Will I ever love her again ? Can i love her ? It feel different. She insisted that nothing physical happened between her and justin. I said i know, i beleave you on that. Still she broke my hearth coldly. She litterally prefered to spend vacation with him. She was seeying him secretly. She was only trusting him. And she lied to me, cheasted while pregnant and kept her lover in our life, even the wedding. It was more important to keep him in her life than me. i know you feel like shit now, like if you just start to understand what is going on. How can you be that stupid? I still look at her and say in my head, "whore", "slut", "stupid". This is mad. I love her i think but maybe i cant get over it. this weekend I was thinking more about elyse than what i had in front of me. I gave her affection. It come from my body without hesitation. But the brain is not. @2016-09-14 still struggle with infidelity. i am pretty sure she know about me and E. And they "protect them self as girl" I dumped my anger again in SMS. I really think i am gonna ask for open relationship. I think I am about to make a decision. I am not going to be exclusive anymore. I should never have and i wont anymore. I can follow some rule if she agree. She have the right to refuse, but my decision is mine. And if she refuse to let me my freedom, i will consider divorce. This mariage doesnt have value anymore. Since I was fooled, Since he was present. Can i cope to see her in the arm of another man ? no but i had to anyway she already did. And she will do it again. Can i cope the separation, i think not. but i will man the fuck up i think. Can i cope the deception in the eye of my kid, surely not. I'll have to be strong. Thing I know, i love her, I hate her, I cant stand to hate her, I cant accept what she did and move on. I cant accept to be only with her. I cant accept to leave my kid. I wont accept her cheating anymore. I wont accept her lie anymore. @2016-09-15 I told her yesterday. I broke her hearth. told her about elyse. In fact nothing really happened, and it ended before something happen. Its nothing compared to what she did. I also repeated how she destroyed me. again. I asked for open relationship. And she angered, she angered like i wanted her to. She feel the treason. I am a bastard because it does make me feel better. She accepted the deal but really dislike it. She asked a "no vengeance clause". but its already written in the book. She asked if i want to divorce and i didnt answered. She said she will have hard time imagining me with someone else. I replied that she cheated me and I had to many time. She written a letter telling me that she want to move one and accept my request. But I know it discust her. I became as much bad as her. I learned that Edith quit Guilaume... and it sort of shocked me. He was an awesome man. about myelle, does she deserve to suffer like i did. nobody deserve that. but she coldy gave me these and only recongnised this year my feeling. She know i consider leaving. It make me a really bad person to enjoy her suffering. Maybe I dont love her anymore, maybe i am a narcissic sadist. ive been honest, she is not alone anymore in my hearth. she forced me into this and i dont really what to go back to old pain anxiety. I questionning my self to see if it was vengeance or selfishness. It is selfishness when you choose for your self once youve been abused. I feel abused. Iv been abused. I should thank myself to stand agains her. I am not affraid to be alone anymore, because i already feel alone with her. Why revenge is so bad ?. why everyone say that it does not make you feel better. Am i inhuman ?. Am i those evil one.? Anyway, i didnt wussed on honesty, i told her i want to see more woman. She always compare what she did with what i did. Once i told it does not deserve to be cheated. She accuse me of try to suffer more. I know its not rational. i told her it selfish of me. I feel alone with my grief, I cant just trust her. so i have to munch it alone. I gave her something to much so she will understand how hard and long it is. I asked open relationship. Its done, she know now that she is not my whole anymore. She lost that. She feel like shit. I take the decision that i will fuck someone else one day. And she know. This part is the most liberating. This is what make me feel better. I feel unchained. What i search, fun, feeling handsome, feeling lovable. @2016-09-22 elyse summoned her at her place telling she want to talk. myelle feared that she want to talk about me and elyse. and said that she dont know what to answer. anyway they didnt talk about it. myelle say it was not akward. But only sms dont show real emotion. ill see later. @2016-09-26 I again fell in a loop of trying to destroy her. She again begged me to stop. You already done lot of arm. Of course you are upset. she didnt respect you while ago. but she is now doing it. yes it was supposed to be that way from the begining, you should never had to fight for it. She didnt trust you. this is why. You dont actually trust her, and now you think about cheating because you dont trust her anymore for not doing so. If she didnt trusted you at first, then she cheated. Of course she didnt had any good reason for not trusting you, Like i hurted you so much in past that i dont trust u. well but now you are the one who behave irrationally. you are making sure she hate herself more every day. This will bring her to not love you at all. Its the begining of the end. You will split apart one day because of this. Yes she cheated, Yes she lied, Yes she treated you as a cuck who dont deserve any trust. Yes she have been jaelous but never acknowledge your feeling. And now you dont aknowledge her apology. And know you treate her like a whore. And know you are the one who dont respect whom he said he love. You dont have to forget, you dont have to let your guard down. But treat that lady as the mother of your child, not the whore who broke your hearth. Even if both are the same, you want her to be the mother of your child rather than to whore who killed your ability to trust. dont need to give her trust blindly. just give her love. And for the trust. just let the time show you. You already chosen to have another lover in your life, atleast once. Just to rebuild the broken pride,trust,and compassion. Give you the taste of love. She gave herself one last time, you will give yourself one time. She allowed herself to feel for someone else, you already allowed yourself to feel for someone else. Its not vengeance, its not retribution, its not deserved. You dont want to. You just dont beleave that a fourth time wont happen within the next 40 years. So dont waste your life being faithfull to someone who has "flaw" with this issue. Just allow it or quit. @2016-10-06 she saw laurent tuesday, he said that there are a todo list for him and justin and myelle that have pending activity. They really like each other, but myelle is now insecure. she say she have now aversion for justin. they will make an open house, and we are invited, she is not sure to go, but i think i will go. anyway . she said that she start missing me when i am at work, i know it was scary when i was melancolic the whole summer. it still hurt, i am just getting used to it. While i can fight melancolia, she still didnt had the right to cheat. overthinking. she didnt write to phil yet, and didnt cut the rope with justin. she should be eiger to do it in order to prove herself. inside she dont really want to save us. maybe were done but dont want to admit. get stronger because its comming. it will happen one day. you will separate. i love you. myelle. @2016-10-11 still on my guards, she tell me that she love me and cant wait for me to return. we had sex yesterday, 2 hours, after one hour she was wasted, and i let myself cum in her ass. I continu to improve my performance because i like it. and she like it. maybe she will reconsider threesome . Im still not that performant without drug. but i am more than berfore. really surprise that it grew bigger, lot bigger. why ? I am changing into a real fucker. i will need to train for sex without drug. she say she love me. i think she really mean it. we talked about penpal, and came to flirt subject, she asked if i was doing it, i said no, ( its true ) and that i'll ask her permission before doing so, ( i really intend to ) I had melancolia since two days. I inside of my self wishing myself out of this relation. but at the same time cant imagine quitting this familly. @2016-10-17 weekend, arrived friday with her crying. Said that she think about what she did to me and know that I am tortured by it. She is not wrong. The week end have been emotionally hard but i did broke off in melancolia in front of her. I actively bonded with her all opportunity i could find. watched a scene from elyse, about love. It emotionnaly challended us. She said that it move thing in her head. Elyse had a scene were she exposed herself litteraly and put in scene an innocent hearth warming flirt with a stranger. He mentionned her seductive look that she used on me. And she said at the end, you are sweet but i have an husband and we are trying to have a baby. It make myelle cry. she has lost value in front of you and she know it. You are in open relationship, as long as you fill her emotional need, you will be able to stray. Thing you know, she love you, she loved you while straying and loved you even in the 6 years you hated her. She is polyamorous. And you lost trust on her last fellony. She want to be mono but failed, and i am not willing to give mono to someone who have it hard. I am not returning as a cuck but as an equal person who deserve respect. Dont offer me to cut off your ex as a compensation, you already owe it me since the begining. Dont be proud to cut off your flirt, you werent allowed to have them. Dont expect me to obey your jalousy anymore, because i know you never did for me. I miss myself saying my wife, but wedding have no value since I did on a lie. @2016-10-18 couldn resist to confront her again, but it evolved I asked her to assume herself, that i feel like she is saying that she woke up between two boy and left. She said that in fact she was trembling and she then left in tears. But she also mixed, bed, tv and outside. She asked help to become the one i wanted. I told her that i wont, it should have come from herself from the begining, and i choosed to accept her the way she is. I refrained my self saying "I wont return to monogamy with you". I just let thing open. While with him she broke off so much limit that she litterally threw my trust away. When I gave her one final chance to show me her faithfullness she failed, met him in secret and not stoping physical contact. She lost to me. I asked to write the rule tonight. She was pushin it forward like if i will change idea over time. She talk as if she dont understand how to be faithfull, but she know it when i stray. She allowed herself thing she would never allow me too. now she have to. My boundary will encapsulate everything she allowed herself too in the past that i wasnt, and i want this right. with radical honestyMy boundary will encapsulate everything she allowed herself too in the past that i wasnt, and i want this right. with radical honesty. I dont talk about lying, I talk about physical touch, kiss and sex. romance. night out. If she cant stand what she already made me endure, i think were over. She should be able to bear what i bear for her to deserve me. @2016-10-24 rought week , still exhausted. At first i had that discution the night of the last entry, we setted boundary. we started a new fresh book. I clarified that if she think she respected me while offending fidelity, she should allow me to do the same with a girl. And I enumerated what she did with justin. It was like if i revealed what she done, she said crying, i deserve to be treated that way. I told her not to say that. And she droped the bomb, i am an abusive narcissic manipulator. I just ignored like if she was giving me another victim escape. She cried, i just confessed the hardest thing in my life and you are ignoring it. silence, then i said, i was of course ignoring it since a while, i didnt really wanted to admit it. And i listened She said she always got what she want whenever its good or bad and if she will destroy something or not. its been a while that she though she cant have all she want. its been a while since she humiliated me she never used kids against me. but she used infidelity threat and love triangle to control me but she was still gasligihting me for years she was still accusing me of doing thing she did but i didnt. and made me sorry for it. now since this summer i stand in front of her, i dont let her gaslight me anymore, i dont let her accusing me wrongly and i dont let her defensive sophism convince me. She always acted like a bull and manipulated me to get out of trouble. I think i helped a lot working on many abusive behavior in the past. Like she hardly can cheat a paranoyak. I have to admit that i lived so much time with these kind of people that i become one myself. but still with strong moral that made me manipulate people into good behavior. I worked my jalousy alot and my anger. I think i am bipolar like my father. I think also that everyone can become a monster when cornered. its survival but once tthe treat is gone, we stay on our guard. in fact she asked again if i want to leave, i said no. i am the best person to stand against her. And she is a good person inside, never abused kid in anyway. now the boundary. i didnt flinch on it. I told her i am not ready to return in monogamy after a third offense, its only been 4 months since lies fallen and the true her is there. And that i now allow me to be unperfect. She asked if we can wipe all and start over, i said no, i dont want to forget why we are starting over and we continued. I said that i should get back the right to act with girl like if with boy. That i should be able to pratice massage on girl because she never refrained to accept one from boys. I enumerated earlier a list of human contact she allowed herself to and she feel in tears. [touching arm elbow neck back, head on should, head on cuisse, sit with contect...] I negociated the idea of the right to ask permission for any physical contact and flirt. I talked about veto right and renegociation right.She offered me complicity. She is affraid and warn me to not take this has an habit, i think that she talk for herself. She wanted reassurance about mm that i couldn give but we agreed to not break others relationship and not break friendship. in the bourdary we are confined to avoid any fluid exchange and inform the other of any accident in that scope. We fell asleep . she felt lighter in her hearth. She dont want to abuse us anymore. I will continue to work myself in that direction. I told her that the other girl was only a pretext to confront her, that i cant blame myself because it worked. It was the first time she asked my pardon for what she did. first time she wasnt gaslighting me. first time she stopped lying. first time she feel sorry for me. It hurted her, but she understood why. I took day off the following day, and we acted silly by going to the tattoo shop and i had pierced my tongue. Cant have a better stress to get out of melancolia and fear. It was an awfull recovery, the bar was so long that my mounth wasnt able to shut. the swelling made impossible to stress the hole so i can swallow my onw abundant saliva. Saturday my hole got torned in the night, bad move and it started healing, so i noticed the size of my swelled tongue and notice that the other ring will fit. i changed it with help of myelle. and the recovery was fast. I still feel un confortable but no resting pain anymore. i can talk but the I sound bizzar. @2016-10-26 it was kind of a releave to have her admit being an abuser. and the bar in my tongue also make me feel sexy. because she is now powerless in front of you, she finally surrendered. and started to understand what it was all about. she know that i wont return to monogamy so easily. and agreed to polyamory. written mutually satisfying rules. feel lighter, i feel more confident, more handsome, more lovable, stronger ... it was a revolution for now she is quiet, she is tender, caring and honest. but i have to prepare the next storm. weaponise myself against abuse. @2016-10-27 she really liked the tongue ring and felt it sexy. it work for her. we are now in hysterical bond. she ask me about my feeling, say she is stable, I said i am climbing up the hole. @2016-10-28 still hysterical bond. yesterday i analysed were i see myself in the future. I imagined the backpack unleashed traveler, and two time by defining the project I thought to myself, i love u myelle. I still imagine my future with her. even if its different. IF she is healthy she will follow. If she is too sick, i will probably stay. In the future i think about independance. i think about having no burden. I think about adventure. In short term i think about learning and get healthy. learn to dance, learn to act. learn to fight. learn to heal. learn to help. learn to care. I will dematerialise my self. i dont really need anything. Made love yesterday, was good, satisfying and not so long. came two times, her 3. I kind of domminated her a little, keeping her blowing while having a strong orgasm. was really good. this morning she was happy. will see elyse. she really seam to have forgiven me. The fact that you say sorry today, dont change anything to what happened. @2016-10-31 had a fun weekend with myelle. jade was sick, aurelie had course break but we knew once we were there, si she and i gone to time, readed newspaper and drinking coffe together. good time. Then had course with myelle and girls, took violette on my tutor instead of gaelle,. and it was good. mm appeared sunday, when i got up, i saw her and had to get dressed. we spend lot of time together, with alcool. Then i gave oral to myelle, it was awesome. let her suck my tongue. Myelle joked about threesome . related to a double dip bond we three have when eating vegetable. she let me spend time alone with mm. mm and i talked about lot of thing, she told me how myelle had it hard while my college. i told her that if i knew i would have gave up long ago. I also mentionned that college costed us in our relation more than the new confort with got from it. And i have some regrets. I told myelle that i wont ever let what happened during my college happen ever again. Of course i didnt deserve what you did, but you deserved more attention. While you have to work for trust, i have to work for care. i love you. I hate that you consider i am not enough for kid. I think its undeserved. By saying, you are more with kid than before, you tell me i was failling as a father. I am filled with sadness feeling i missed my whole life. I hardly stand the fact that I was not a caring husband/father. And your faithfullness is only proportional to my care. This feel like threat from an affective dependent mannipulator. I just cant accept having been a bad father. I just cant accept being an uncarring husband. it is like i didnt have the chance to act my way at all. I have been accussed of shuting you down everytime you had something. in reallity i wasnt able to fix anything with you unless i corner you too. and i was listening to you without searching to blame you. you were always returning everything agains me. thing to accept. she didnt deserved me being uncaring because she were a lyer. i didnt deserve to be cheated because i was uncaring. she didnt deserve being left alone sick because she were aggressive. there is no equivalent fault. But i was leasy and you were controlant. I worked so hard for your respect. and i am left with heavy burden of not having been respected at first. I shouldnt had to fight for respect while all i wanted is to care for you. Then once i had it, i wasnt caring for you anymore because it is how i get respect, by not giving you to much. Make you feel you have to win me. This is how i finally got your respect. But at what cost. I wasnt maaging you anymore. I wasnt doing anything for you unless for the kid. @2016-11-01 myelle told me that she told mm that she allowed me to be her close friend. And since she is talking a lot to me. Myelle told me to not worry that she is ok with it. I asked myelle what she said, she told me that she just warn her that i'll get closer because i think she is a good friend. because it can be scary when to friend bf get close. she is right. She is down. because energy is low, lack of sun. hard summer, children are more studborn, and the cat is wounded. @2016-11-03 I fear that she will storm me with retaliation for the stress of the summer 2016. So i prepared myself, with a lecture that explain exactly what happened to me and another on what i was going through. I think that i will listen and answer the question. and then ask her to read at least the one called "Understand your faithfull spouse". the other called the "cost of forgivness" is more about what i feel inside if she is interested but i am pretty sure she dont. she was a coleric terror the other day. the same monster that made days terrible back then, i standed still, she retired herself to cry. I did what I though was required. go see her with care and love, then let her know she can take her time, no hurry. then after respectfully confronted her about the incident, that the fact that i upsetted her dont prevent her to face her responsibility. it was a practice of what we choosed to do in the future. radical honesty, no doubpt, communicate everything. she said its not the children , it is about this summer. it was the warning. sex is now relatively scarce since the piercing, and i got back my libido the other day. we had a quicky yesterday morning (remote commuting at work), and an hour of intense sex at 21'clock. she is exhausted now. she is hardly keep up. btw the tongue piercing is awesome. she aksed if my performance is related to prevent her from straying, i said no. "but i consider the benefit"[untold] but since i want to experience polyamory, i should make sure i am physically able to withstand it. if she agree to have another girl in the bed, i must be able to give to both. in fact it is related with the polyamory. not only i want to be able to run 10k and more, but i also want to have a positive sexual experience with it. off course being good looking may positivly affect her desire to not stray. but in reality it is a revolution where i have now some emotional power concerning us. And i intend to us it to establish a solid foundation between us. radical honesty. equinamy, familly and love. monogamy just dont make sense with myelle because you will just end up being a cuck. but failling monogamy dont mean we will fail the harder polyamory. Its harder, and i think she can achieve it and that I will be the one who struggle with it. but polyamory success is not impossible. and could be lot more healthyer than monogamy. this is the adventure i begin. @2016-11-04 melancolia since two days. after her being a bitch for a day. then trying to convince me that she is just not open to kiss someoneelse just feeled like lie from someone who dont assume what she did. Its an insult to think that it will convince me that she is forever mine. it's like the third time she promise this and fail. thyis is why. because i saw the mannipulation again. and it made me feel angry. then i am stuck in a loop of i hate/love her and i hate what she did. i feel humilated. while i prepared myself for the aftermath of the summer 2016. The clear thing is that : I give her another chance and not the reverse. love as it was is dead. and i dont want to reignite it again. I what something else. and i am ready to quit you. you dont have the right to ask me being faithfull anymore. beside that i asked her about the idea of having sex in a tube. and she is exited. it will maybe make her more confortable in the near future. she told me i am a romantic, i told her "its of course romantic from my point of view to sip a glass of wine in a jacuzi while you are blowing me." . she liked it. @2016-11-05 yesterday i did some shopping but she reacted badly to my absence so i returned home. and there were a palpable tension. She have fever. well i should pay for it. well even sex was unsatisfying. she had head ache, i promised her a backrub, but the sex ended by a conflict. And it made me forgot the massage. She was mad at me. she just arrived... @2016-11-07 i standed against her, but she was right, i wasnt really open to listen. We didnt really made love the whole weekend. i had sadness at many times. She spent a good sunday as she said, and i am exhausted. i should not waste my time cursing her anymore. she dont deserve that much attention when she is not arround. you still entertain melancolia because you are still affraid. But your are more powerfull than her. she is romantic today, take it as it what it is. yesterday at the pharmaprix, you asked to the cashier if she have mystery custumer that make sur she is always offering optimum plan. she was shy, myelle told me that she was looking at me while i wasnt. It was the asian black haired girl whom i complimented about her long hair. we talk for 20 mins. while waiting a bus pass. I told myelle that she must remember me because we talked for 20mins while waiting the bus pass. i repeat, because ive been honest to her. I said her what it was on my sight. @2016-11-09 though about you again. i am starting to realise that i wasnt that bad as a husband and as a father. because all my daughter are close to me and dont hold a gruge for something. because i did more concession than her and i fixed lot of problem that she complained but i hardly had that success with her. i didnt massaged her in 10 years because she wasnt allowing me too. i deliberatly denied her affection because she was flirting and i wasnt able to communicate with her. I closed myself. When i say i am glad for the family as if she handled whole thing by herself, i was meaning it. but now i realise that I was diminishing my good shot for her. I built this familly with her, it is not her success but our. I dont have to be glad for the familly she gave, i have to be proud of the familly we builded. its clear that the idea to start from begining with another woman is less scary than returning to you. this is why i choosed polyamory. i will allow myself to be happy and proud of us. And i dont let you down. @16h thought a lot about her today, on realisation of the false past that unveil itself. i begin to see the real her in my memories. i didnt really succeed the imaginary vengeance as i should do when i am melancolic. i consider emotionally to leave her. i thing i dont really want to fix it. I consider that starting fresh with someone is less scary than staying with her. I'll not react to this feeling, let wait. I began to dialog with my cousins who is advertising a lot about emotional mannipulator. I will try to get support from her. but it may be completly unusefull. @17h is separation the answer, everything were not black, you were hard on her. she gave you a lot. Like an abusive mother love her child, she still loved you. do you want to let her down ? you are straying now. and have permission to do so. is that what you want ? for now a new relationship is the only thing that excite you to wake up in the morning and do the exercise you need to get well. in all case there will be a new relationship. you need someone who will make you feel special. and myelle is not that person. you dont miss what you had, you tried very hard and did had the return you though. you dont want what she gave you. you just want to get high and fuck everything. she is trying to be convincing you to not slow down on pot. you remember this, control of emotion. m-p how she was immature. I dont know were i am going from now on. I have asked an open relationship with her because I dont assume anymore our relationship. It is done in my head. im going back to you @2016-11-10 you were acting like avoiding me. maybe passive agrressive. you said you are in a depression. yesrerday you just go to the shower while usually so fusioned that you bring me there yourself. this morning i woke up alone. I cried in front of her. she said she asked for compassion and i critisied her. she tried to talk to me but i end up reminding her how slut she was. I have hard time controling my self. And she is culpabilising me again, but i do too. I writen to claudia , my cousins who had equivalent problem. She told me thing that confort me, like she is aware of it and is a human, not a monster. i am thankfull for those words. I still plan to stray, I still think that maybe i should leave her. But I want to try first. She dont look at me in the eyes, and said she cant look at her self in the mirror, i just hope to ignite the spark i lost by staring in her eyes for minutes. She is clearly tormented, and is readable like a book by now. She asked me to tell her when she abuse my emotion. we both subscribed to see a psychologist at university. i want to stop hating myelle. i have to be carefull but not out of fear and resentment but out of compassion. i want to give her the support she need to overcome this. i want the strenght to stand against her i want her to assume who she is. still i want her to give up some pride. we exchange lot of i love by sms today i told her jocking ly that i want to make love, she responded "you want to know when we will make love ?" and then nothing. i replied that it dont need to be formal, i am just worry if the tense is negative or not. then she replied that she reformulate what i say. I wasnt that, i reformulated. she is so thick sometime. well she is complicated. and i am bored of her passive aggressive attitude. i think that i'll have hard time avoid melancolia. It happen when she is upset because she act as if i should compensate. but she never compensate for me so i dont want to. it sound bad for tonight. i'll have to deal lot of negetive energy. I will have to be stronger than her. let's do a backrub after the movie. and then i'll see. @2016-11-11 had a movie completely fused. had sex but she made me finish because she was soar. she is now rationising me in sex. but give lot of affection. i told her this morning that i am not ok but i dont want to talk. i is in the sweet phase of manipulation ,before yesterday, i had that depression thing that covered a passive aggressive attitude. I still hope it will be ok. I still cupabilise about open relationship. but i also think to leave her. every minute i take the decision to stay another minutes. i just sended , understand your faithfull spouse, article to myelle, she will have to read it all. if she really want to stop manipulating, she will have to assume herself and her role in this situation. ive been melancolic the whole day. i sended to the "cost of forgiveness" too, i hope she read it and understand the weight she is. @2016-11-12 she didnt read the second article. but the first yes. she just came out with. it tells me to abdicate to you. it is not written. it is written to assume your responsibilitty. and yes she should be sorry enough to be on her knee now. but she want to stay above it. she dobt wabt to plunge. but this what i want her to. i dont beleave she will change an ounce unless she touch de bottm and experience desperatiob this is what she want me to process alone. this is what she should do for. besause what she make accpet is equivalebt to submission from my person. but she dont want. she told "everythib" to elyse. and she told me that elyse though the same as her. double standar. elyse got cheated on on same term and they are slut. but for me i should be grategull fuck you and elyse knew i had a crush and she denied everythibg. myelle told me that elyse wasnt hearthing me that time. myelle foubd a way to hurt me. i told myelle that she is 13 years late to dump phil for good and she was streching it agains. i told her that she is late. she did. and cried "you made me say goodbye to a good friend" "i waited 13 years @2016-11-18 she gone to theatre. had been flirted by a guy. i still think that i dont want a relationship were i have been cucked. i understand i xanr have a relationship free of cheating and lie. but i dont want to be unidirectionally faithfull i dont want to lie and cheat i dont feel the butterfly anymore. my hearth is broken we had a good talk this morning. it gave her appetite. it make me guilty. as always. i hate her. i love her @2016-11-20 again i cant throw away the mother of my child. the love of my child extend to their mother also i cant hate someone who took care of mw i cant deny her loce for me i can just spit on how hypocrit, mean, slut, mannipulative and disrespectfull she is. she cheated twice that bitch she lied and continu to lie to you she is still lokking down to you sometine and you cant accept that you want her to bow to you you stupid you had spa today. it was fun with marie and alexis and myelle. you had french kiss with myelle you are now sit on the bowl. writing your frustration for not having sex of course you are on a break. and you are never allowed to be angry when not havin any. remember that she do get anfry when you say no. dont go down to her. but dont be guilty. you stoped the medecine. no relief of train of thougb. and not feeping very well. you have soar muscle. and it make you sleep. you dont have prpbleme to sleep. she dont trust you now. but anyway she never have. she will never have. just let go and move on. by reading about forgiveness. you learned that it doesnt mean she is getting away with it. you can forgive and still leaving her. or cheat on her later. you just dont hold the grudge on her. you dobt look.at her like trash. you dobt yell at her. you can still tell her that you remember. it will affect your future self with her in the future. you have forgiven but not forgot. you have to continue this familly. like forced to do so. she hold you by the child. but you can find love else where. she will indeed find a third wheel again because she just cant stand to be alone. and again will be naughty and sluty. this why you will not hold yourself back. you know what was her choice when given the perfect crime. your was honorable. her wad discusting. you know the level of respect she owed you. you know that it is no longer necessary to push interested girl away. myelle is not holding your hearth anymore. you see yourself as a couple of convenience. and dont expect much from that eternal victim. @2016-11-21 i think again how un faithfull she is, how liyer she is, how slut she is. yesterday she fell asleep hard. no sex. the morning i offered her some but she said maybe tonight and then she told that to marie. like if their were a complicity. i hate complicity in my back. I am really bored of her. i want to achieve forgivness for my own health. but i dont want her to get away with it. I am completly decieved from that woman. As much she is a good mother wife, she is a shitty lover and a manipulator. im done with that. how can i fix this. i was silent today. i had my paper work done. i stoped the antipsychotic because it just dont adress the right issue and have some inconvenient side effect. myelle tried to convince me taking another appointment, i will not chain two different medecine back to back. i said it was mydescision. i just didnt answer to anymore argument. she asked kiss and hug , i gave not knowing how to tell we shouldnt. she asked a pause on my feeling, i asked a pause on us. because i have feeling agaisn her. i should stop the canabis, while it helped making me aware of what going on. i am tired. she is gone to see a "social worker" far in the east. maybe she is cheating again. i dont care anyway, its been more than a years since i gave up on this expectation. I now understand she is a slut. i hate her. lets separates. 9h30 in the bed. i denied her affection the whole day how can i forgivr. i really need it but i dont really want to reconciliate i feel unrespected i feel toyed i feel forced @2016-11-22 yesterday i finally talked and she listened. only said sorry. asked me to let go the break. she said we both need each other affection. we slept cuddled. this morning she was up early. after kids gone to school. she offered to roll a joint but i arrived too late and smoked it all alone. it pissed me a little. she is now on the bed and already sleeping. i know she is simply egoist. and stupid. i am completely bored of her. unreliable. i said its ok. i brushed teeth then took a shit. while watching cutey on tinder. @2016-11-28 told alex he was not allowed to touch myelle alex also said that his glasses is not more expansice than mine. so i litterally sacrified myself for him. he bragged about his awesone galsses that i paid. i told this morning that he is not my friend. to myelle i asked her for how long. and she said thibg that dont make sense. with an ingury that happened after. i am pissed thos morning. she lie to me again. since several days that everything go well. i take care of lunch. andnshenisnhappy. i dobt really take vacation. but takibg care of kids make me feel better. i am not threated as equal. late in the night lyjng on rhe bed i asked myelle for how long this morning and she didnt answer correctly then i told her later i was still expecting an answer. and not wait we forget. she told me she dont remember the question. ... it pissed me a lot argument. no emotion. i was talking to an alien ... she asked me to read a web page about fybromyalgia. i understood that she insist on memory loss i asked her what she want me to notice amog all these sympothome. and she hesitates and finallt talked about memory loss. i told her i dont beleave in memory loss. she climbed the stairs i climbed shortly after. said its not that i dont beleave. i dont want it to be like that. i told her that if it is true. then she just cant state that it was the only one time with phil she cant state that there were not another. she cant state that nothing hapened with justin. i asked. were are we going. she got into the bath. then once she got out. with trick. note. orgabisation. i cryed a lot alone. i walked runned walked wheter she try to manipulate me into acceptibg anythibg or she is offeribg me a life of being fuckin nothing in her memory. i am not respected or i am screwed. manipulator. borderline. this is what i think in that case i am disapointed again i loose hope fybromyalgia with demencia in that case i cant trust her or be honest anymore i loose hope i dont currently find a third option then the invariant i loose hope. i lodt hope today @2016-11-30 i cried a lot since three days today we hadschool attendance and then hugo came by to work on greenhouse and now after supper. ahe is gone tobsee justi i am positove that it was just romantic and not physical. i am pretty pissed of the fact that she dont remember anythib she is askibg him about what happened. he will tell her that ot was nothing he just took afdection frombwere it came from he s cool. no deama for myelle it will broke her hearth because she will have broken us for nothing it could have happened something but as an inteligent boy if he think she forgot. he will shut up if he was in love the fact that she forgot could brwak his hearth. he could tell her if something happen. in the end it will be done and i dont think i will know if it happened. she will never see him again he know that i dont like him if i learn something happened. ill have to confort her for days before having time to cry. if it is true that she is bipolar and she dont have self control. i will have to step back in order to survive. i will need to compensate. if she is again a lyer then im done if she is anxiously blocking her memory then it is fixable. i am affraid that sje came home saying i am a lyer. saying that none of what i saw happened i dont know what to do at that case else that he is definitely a lyer and that she kind of trusting him. it is frighteningly plausible scenario all these scenario have a common ending i will not leave my daughter nor separate my daughter fron their mother. and she is still part of my familly but i definitely dont accept to bebcondemned to be a cuck all ky life @2016-12-02 she talked with justin. they had activity. he was ashamed for the flirt. as she said. no kiss, no sex. she told him not to call her, that she will call her if she recontact. she cryed. she insisted that she lost memory like the one with "the talk". she said I havent accepted yet what I did to you, I never wanted to manipulate you, even if I dont think I deserved what happened this summer. It was honnest to me. Very honnest. Warmfully honnest. I cryed, we cryed, we hugged, we made love a lot since. I cry a lot since. "I havent accepted yet what i did to you" was what i was waiting when i said , assume yourself. It made me cry. it made me beleave that she is maybe really forgetting. she just talked to me bout elyse, she said she take my side, but as a rational person she had to do the devils advocate in order to help rationalising. she is a good friend for her. I said that i have a crush and i find it hard to look weak in front of her. Now that she know that i have a crush. she is now writing in her diary. (i never readed it, nor i will, i still threat people the way i expect them too) she was crying a few minute before she told me about elyse. She cryed and talked again about her pain. It always piss me off because she is always turning the situation toward her pain. She said she took pills she should take at night and it made her a zombie for the day. only once and she regreted. But she did it because the pain was umberrable. And she cryed a lot. I hugged her. I was stressing to ear that she cheated again at that time but no it was just that she was stoned alone with the kids. But nothing happened. She was just afraid that it could have happened something to the kids. She didnt thought she was going to be that stoned. She was catatonic. she shifted the polarity again. but still confessed something. She said i was a tense person. Doing everything to the extreme. I take it with a grain of salt, though she is right. I think she think I overthink the thing and make it bigger than it really is. But goddamnit she cheated on me and kept love triangle for a major part of the relationship!!! She cucked, gaslighted, confused, culpabilised, shutedup, threatened, humiliated me and made me do choice I wouldnt if I knew some important detail. Then she had that years were she were back the slut she was and lyed to me in order to flirt with a young boy. No I dont simply forgive a go on. Not Three time in a row !!! I forgive but not just continue in the same direction we used to take. She think she didnt deserved what happened last summer, I think i deserved her to be what she is since from the begining. I questionned her until she stop lying, make me guilt of her own abuse (shuting off, bring everything to her) I made er realise she was gaslighting me. I made her realise she was searching to be the victim even in this situation. Now I can just cry. That is alone. I am bored to have to tell her what is respect. Like if my standar is unachievable. Well i was acchieving it with all the weakness i had. @2016-12-06 hysterical bond. i havent crued today. she told me that it broke her hearth that i asked to separate. abd she though very fast on how it will happen and it made her come to me. i am not sure of what to think of this. i just think that i am bored of it all. she dobt want me to leave. i had that idea that one day she may leave us. and not fiving back any call. then return to me after having fucked a lot and i will welcome her like a cuck. i am tired. i am desillusionned i am unhappy. she love me but to wild to give me what she ask. @2016-12-14 she said about marie i dont mind i will join you @2016-12-13 she come up with threesome with girl. iv bean surprised. she said if we live until 80 , we should evolve quick and enjoy. If you return to me its ok. well she agreed. @2016-12-17 after the party lot of lad myelle is bervous. she want to recpnsider the book i had the impression that she was not in the same boundary. i want to ask what about justin and phil she is making tresses on my head. i made a doozenon her head. romantic time. i love her she said she wantto review thebook. that she accepted against her will @2016-12-20 still didnt builded the note book i agreed her having sex with elyse and rightto kiss withthobgue and i dont expect anything in return. @2016-12-22 hadargument yesterday told me . our couple work because of understanding and patience i got pissed. i said particulary my patiebce and understanding. we fighted. i told her i still feel unconsidered. this morning she told me she is still angry i still want to say fuck you. she and elyse are cookibg. i feel like i want to go away she told me that no one but her have the right to say she is a slut and that she didnt deserve want happened this summer. and she have right to her feelibg. i told her it is my feeling that she is culpabilise me and that i wont retire my word. i am still ready to leave her. i hate that she dobt assume herself. you slut. @2016-12-23 "how can you say i love you and make me feel i dont deserve you" you are right. i dont love you well how can you say i love you while cheating and flirting and lying ? That is all i have to say. i dont have the answer. i can love someone while being fucking angry with. I can be decieved by someone i love. Off course i dont know how you can show your gratitude. else than love, the same love that you gave me to shut me off while you were flirting. @2016-12-26 she offered to leave i cryed because i saw the end you ibsisted ibto you leavibg not me. so i offered vacation for a few days. you just left in twars. you made me sleep on the couch because you wanted sex and not me. @2017-01-07 last dayof lease. return to work monday myelle and i exxchanged about polyanory. sheoffered sex tourism. and yes let shot professional. will gonna be horny about it. we had awesome sex on a chair down stair. late night. @2017-01-02 about phil, she said, 'he was the only one who didnt had one last time before i engage' it discusted me to a point i now have seizures. just by tinking about sex. i still managed to have sex and beat that. cant live wihtout sex. but the image of her having sex with many men while i was packing to move with her discust me. I wouldn engage knowing it all , i feel like a cuck, and the reason for cheating is more silly than ever. i want my turn tooooo. I compared it to an urge to fuck as much woman as she did men. she apoligised a lot. I am still bitter. i cry a lot. i.ve been completly begetable for a long show, i didnt see it happen. i now have seizure from my discust of her sexuality. And i am willing to have the same. She is now at pyjama party with elyse. i told her i am still of with her fucking her. but the desire fell away. The understanding of the fuck list made me puke and have seizures. i am now completly helpless. I just decided to fuck her as much as i want and try hard to destroy any desire to monogamy in my hearth. If she risked our relationship for this, i dont retain myself from pleasure. i want to become a cheater. because you deserve to be cheated on. and understand how slut you are. I love you so much that i will become a slut like you and make you suffer. I will fuck prostitute. Bar slut. Friend. Stranger. Couple. @2017-01-13 friday 13. had sweet tender sex yesterday thibg go ok myelle had memory ressurgence of her rape. i conforted her. while i thiink that she run ed at it. no one have the right to rape. i am currently angry at her inthe bus. think about phil. thi k about justin. i want violence. i want justice. the onlythi g that make me zen is thi king about a prostitute or a hook up. mistress. she askedme if i am ready to wait5 years. itoldher no. that i will surely pay to haveit on my side she was disapointed. congratulation i am disapoi ted at you too for many answer and choice you made. i am going to cheatyouthis year . you cant stand thinking about me and another woman. you just had to be faithfull have to find a wayto put picture of me online @2017-01-14 had sex yesterday, had sex this morning. We had a problem with jeff who tried to seduce her online again. We said what has to be said and the thing escalated. i just told him. "tell me you are sorry and wont do it again and DONT DO IT AGAIN" kim is little angry at me. well then myelle wrote to phil asking him about a once he may have cheated on her in the past. i just reminded me that she cheated me with him and then imposed him as best friend. i cried for hours today. she cried too. she asked the girl too but didnt have answer. she also told she asked im if ther were a love triangle, (well she speak to him again), he said that he respected me and would never do this. FUCK YOU BOTH !!!!!! I want to hurt both of you!!! I told myelle that I hoped that she stayed at sherbrooke and abord aurelie. this though discust me but i cant help. I want to punch something. destroy something beautifull. I want to hurt philippe girard as much as hurted me, i want to see him drown. I want to hurt myelle as much as she did to me, i want to humiliate her ! But I cant do these because it would hurt my daugthers. @2017-01-17 hurted my hand. separated. quited my job. opened myself to other. started new job. i am hurted. kid are hurted. she is hurted every luttpe thing start anxiety and cry we are still borderline i missed kids so much i didnt write anything . i was busy myelle confessed she saw sex with friend as ok tbhat she was affraid of me. she is flathering my ego we came to the day i first yelled at her. back then the dude with a knufe . very youbg drunk at st annne des plaines it was a shitty situation were i acted psycho in front of her abd made her affraid of me forever she though i was made because she was holding a gay. but i was holding a gay. the dude was a horny bow who touched your but. he drew iut a kniglfe and by fear i showed him i can cut myself with mine. she told me i saved her from rape and she apologused for not understanding that i was protectong her i still insist that i aggressed a young boy out of jealousy but sue insisted that i saved her from being raped with a knife onthe throat i didnt thlnk sbout the oissibility vefore i dont know what to think. she made me the best compliment ever. for the first time i feel ahove her ex. i feel loved i am broken she will cry she told me she reallylearn to love theimoortance of theother while she loved.she now love in a way she didnt knew it existed i made her grow )she didnt feel the importance of the other but she knew it she told me that she will enjoy my remorse if i did somethi g to her that bad. i replied that while i though i will. it wasnt. it hurt she told me that if i do a silly thing to take a picture and tell her right away i told her. unless i am wounded. she told me. if you do a bad thing tell me right away. and show me a picture on her while you are in the same bed. Oh!!!! @2017-02-24 separated, part time childcare, i started talking to someone on tinder i didnt go anywhere but i had to told myelle. she got angry (because if she would do it first , i will lose my mind. i admit) she told me lot of mean thing. gave me the right to have another girlfriend. hurtfull she already met a guy on tinder, and meet one tonigth. i cant think anthing else than... its over. it was worth it but now its over for now i am not even stressed about her date tonight. maybe the medecine. i lowered the dose. @2017-02-26 wait for her she is late. i am expeccted to arrive at 2h30-3h. 4 minus 15 now. she is not there i am more worried than pissed