SYN: emotional note about having a crush I had several crush in my life, some passing, some recurrent, some erotic, other more flirty, then some purely poetic I had some while being with myelle, this is always myelle i chose theed anyway. MOTIVATION: maybe understand Marie-Pierre Anger. This girl had several crush at the same time and had no self control. She were fetishing any forbiden flirt she can have. for my govern i dont intend to cheat , even emotionnaly but i want to learn how crush work, what it affect in me, how can i control it better. maybe enjoy it in sane way. you have the opportunity to observe your own experience of a genuine poetic crush. METHOD: look at her, and take note on what she trigger in you SILLY: she have an iphone one tatoo look like a metallica album her puppy with a leather full body and stud. like im a cute metal girl... NOTE: day at work become incredibly long time pass contracdictory fast sex drive completely null , (while in my ron jeremi period) I was just about to use the highspeedsandwitch engine who is so awesome that it should create game by itself..... and i dont care I dont want anything, i just feel like being completely alone and think about her I resist the temptation to trim myself because the motivation is wrong and would be unfaithfull over my wife feel idiot in front of her. i act idiot tought. but i dont drag attention . i didnt looked a her. i was already turned over.n had some misscommunication a work. the brain is constantly searching for the subject, no matter if i want of not SECURITY a self rule i give my self is to trim myself for myelle more often. sit the farest from her possible in the bus dont ever push yourself into a situation that make meet her more often LOG: 1st june 2016 after a cold spring, slushy winter, now have beautyfull day with lot of sun. Then I saw her she looked like a lot of imaginary character like the girl i would what to be and then i dont remember much of the rest of the week, but the weekend ok i really enjoy my familly sunday i informed myelle about it because after crossing her in my street made me very dizzy the preceding days I knew i was not just turned on by a sexy girl I wrote a story were I integrated her as a character, and i imagined the seducer like Bjorn Lothbrok. same day as i wrote this. june 7 2016 cross her at the bridge. shiver and i laugh at her puppy who i swear must be named spike. she had this silly frustrated voice on the phone. im sure now shes a millenial june 9 , i didnt see her in a while, it is more easy that way. I am feeling grief and its good, that mean its a passing crush. i can help myself by thinking about loss of myelle because of she and maybe fix my soul that way. fear of loss will put me back in rationality june 10 walked behind her because we are taking the same bus. she was smoking a blubt. by smell. wearing a cagoule. in the bus is sit on the most isolated spot of the bus. i sit in front and listen to iron savior. ecxellent music to cheer up. im still stable. and i dont feel like saying more right now. i will daydream about coding and meca for the trip. it worked. later theevening i confessed to myelle. she cried. we made love saturday morning sunday. we made love saturday night , we are.close. i told myelle i wasnt thinking about her, i were just fucking anxious. and she got appaised. at first myelle reacted lovely and then sucumbed to ask me more and cry again. i think she understood how much she is the fisrt to me. i though many time about her but wasnt overwelming and easy to dismiss. i have maybe acquired a quick image to end any boner. myelle was concerned about if my relook was for her. i rod about limerance and it pretty sum what happen to me. i also rod a cuckstory that shocked me. june 13, she is in the bus, sit in front near the back door, look at her mobile i sit far away, the best i can see of her is her dyed hair that already fade to black/brown i think i am ok. but im sure im not. I can now see the beauty of my wife., ill go draft about crumpuppet i looked at her again. think a lot about limerence. i really feel like lurking around emotional infidelity. i fantasized meeting her at kick boxing lesson and being teamed with her, then we both expressed feeling through fist. and maybe build disinterrest once i know her or friendship. I imagined myself answeing a question from her, "why are you avoiding me" and politely explain her im in couple and cant afford like her. I am still searching to interact with her from the inside. But now I can have sex with my wife without interference and event jack off thinking about our friends. i definitely feel better , or i try at least in the bus i imagined her climbing aboard then sit not far away. then changed seat for a closer, then talk to me . and then i logged in and wrote that. i fantasise her beating me up like melissa larose should have while ago. june 14 no intrusive though, just feel like i will depress if i let myself go but im ok, i still control the situation btw didnt see her june 15 saw her yesterday in the street. feeling fade when she were out of sight. it was anxiety she is right in tlfront of me. plz dont sit near me. she finally sit out of sight. how come i was thinking about her silhouete of a certain size messin arround in social network like a millenial. and iwas comtemplative. clear sign of limerence. june 16 against in the bus, braided hair. contemp outside with music i am still able to play with coding she was dancing to the music, a little june 21 yesterday i though i was seeying her but it wasnt, and minutes later i wasnt thinking about her. I feel better. sex intrusive though about many subject pop out . like normal. we had awesome sex me and myelle since a week and now she have sore vagina. I have lot of intrusive though about a friend of mine having sex. And then it appease my self to think about LO last time i saw her, she was dancing the music on her iphone. june 27 im not cured yet. just tested myself by imagining her and started divaging. me and myelle made love a lot. i opened my self to a close young friend(always forgot hes thatuch yougner) myelle begin thing like hard anal. blow directly out the pussy and cum in mounth. we tried with a movie and it didnt work well. i fantasise about threesome but im way too affraid to consider it seriously. but being watched while we have awesome sex me and myelle is maybe doable. but i doubpt myelle will so nogo. 3july 1h21 am foresta lumina with alexis and marie michele. myelle and i really great time. no limerence symptom. mm was not happy in her hearth. she a flew her programmibg course. and was ashame. she also live poorly and mis her lover. she didnt look at me unless i was talking to her. I was worry about her. i can defininetly say that i always had love for her since i saw her. I had mixed thoygh between wanting to help her like a big brother and a resistible envy to caresser her body. she is now really fat girl. but it didnt turn me off. i still find her beautyfull. I told her im writing but nothing im proud to let her read. I hope she will find strenght to fight her problem. july 4th Myelle had turning casette. I told her yesterevening that I had to dig to find back my love. I just dont know what I was saying. It work a lot in the head of myelle. She is feeling anxiety about my crush. She was cold on the SMS. We will talk tonight about it. I am so sorry my love to put you in that state. july 6th had a "rave" in the basement with my wife. Completly dark, light stick and junoreactor. We made love with a fluo condom. I was joking like I am cheating with another girl or she is cheating with an unknown man. Lot of laught and joke. "I should not do this , im married" "Do you make love this good to her too" "no its better, she is better than you" In another joke, "how old are you?" "im fifhteen" "damn this kind of turn me on, it will put me in trouble" "as long as i have want i want you dont have anything to fear" well I liked that. Myelle asked for moderation on this. No problem with LO lately, I continue to log here because life changed since, and it is satisfying. july 7th Had so much sex that I maybe grew an infection. So no sex for a while :o( Yesterday I saw LO, bus number 3 @ 4h33. I didnt noticed her first, only when I was about to disembark the bus. She was sitted side from tipit, funny that I crushed on her while sitted aside from tipit. She dyed her hair in black with blue reflect. Only notice her by looking at tipit in a second, to it maybe not her but a tall tatooed girl is not common. I readed a lot about cheating, being cheated and consentual swing. I try to exorcise myself from the assured destruction that a cheating wife could have on me. I need to evolve beyond this point and be undestructible. So i can stay strong for my childrens. And my wife. Also fear relief will make me healthyer. Now I think about LO. 2016-07-19 I stoped logging because myelle admited infidelity I already knew. I told her how i feel about. She also admitted two limerence in the past, one for Math (didnt knew), and one for Justin (i flaged myself). She asked to start over together. I focused on finding a way to make it work. and we built a notebook about boundary. I shamefully used her past infidelity to tell her she is polyamorous "If I accept it happened and move one, I'll have to accept it to happen again" She confessed some detail about her past sexual adventure and how it affected her couple. and i liked to hear it. I introduced the idea of a polyamorous relationship and planed threesome. I fear to mess up what we build. but the reason behind is that i am restarting my couple a second time with my cheating wife. I wasted 13 years of exclusivity. i want to flirt, to swing, to take part of an orgy, to seduce a stranger and never see her again, to experience some variety. I am not expecting fidelity anymore. I just wish for honesty and respect. and i am ready to forgive. it apply to me too. Lo is now an imaginary friend and if i see her agains or she torment me i will came back here. If she enter my life, she will have a new directory with her real name on it. By then i am focusing on my wife, kids, and maybe i'll find new love. see you lo @2016-07-20 i though about lo, but nothing limerent, but just seducing fantasy. i fetched a cute flower for myelle. I bet she had hard time accepting what i proposed @2016-07-22 I was thinking a lot about myelle, do i want to continue, do i really want polyamory. it hurt me that myelle try to flee away from her past limerence. I had a relief thinking about lo, sit behind me listening Rother with me. Its the virtual GF that gave me some reconfort. myelle should be reacting emotionnally by now, her act tell it. its not me its my midlife crisis. she of course realising what she lost. and want it back. ive been clear, im returning with my cheating ex, and i promise to not be laelous anymore. I tryed to warn her that im leaning toward polyamory. Bu its hard to tell without tear. @2016-07-27 kind of saw lo from the back. maybe its not her. i am more exiged than frightened. its sign that i am more confident. and i still have her in my head. thus unintrusive. imaginary lo tel me its just a tatooed girl i am seeing from far and i search for lo. she kinda do her job as i wanted. she seam tired or sad touching her eyes often. head on elbow. its not lo. not enough gear in the ear. saw her face definitely not lo. imaginary lo was right. @2016-08-10 didnt see lo since last time. she is presumed to have moved july 1st. and its possible to never see her again. since i am redefined as a cheater, i am not affraid to look for her. but i dont force it. @2016-08-19 i think about you, i personnally hope to see you again because of you i confronted my wife on her infidelity and i assume that i can now do it too i dont feel bad anymore because i want you but assuming ill never see you again, you ll be in my imagination, and you dont even know it @2016-08-23 I change schedule and returned to the previous one, when i met you. I am not optimist that i'll see you again. But I look for you. @2016-08-25 i will never see you again. im glad that you entered my life. you ended a long cycle of love/hate. You revealed our love between me and myelle. And you gave me confidence. strength. and balls. My wife learned how it felt to be emotionally betrayed and she now understand the pain she inflicted me. after 13 years i feel it like if it was yesterday. She confessed her infidelity and now regret. she dont want me to cheat. but think she deserve it. she cutted all bridge with her ex, and dont want to see justin anymore I started see myself as a whole person who is not extend of my wife. I planned some previlegied time that dont include her. We have best sex ever! since i confessed about you. I had been emotionaly faithfull after all because I did the right choice. But now i dont want to make the good choice. As my wife just started understanding of she treated me, I began to treat her that way. @2016-09-01 i miss you @2016-09-20 i asked open relationship. I dont have you appearance anymore i am starting to fade your image. you changed my life forever. and i will forget your face. you though me i can polyamory you though me that i am not prosoner of my relation you brought the best sex of my life out of my wife. thank you for you existence miss you @2016-10-24 I told myelle you were made up to manipulate her. almost true. I think my limerence was a simple survival shot because i was thinking to kill myself. I had that thunder struck that gave me will to live and i fell in love with a beautiful tattooed girl. now i am getting back my piercing, affirm myself, train, get healthyer and emotionally stronger. and i standed in front of some sociopathic behavior myelle had against me, gaslight and projection. she dropped that bomb, she is an abusive narcissist. yes indeed, while most behavior ended a while ago, because i am a studborn myself who already been through this. the two later just fell and only remain triangulation that yes she did and i never tolerated. In the end for that last i asked open relationship. she lost monogamy and power. how cruel. I know i am abusive narcissist my self, and i lived among them all my childhood. I ended lot of these behavior a while ago, still remain some when on defensive but i am considered as emotionally mature compared to many. I got out , myelle will got out. And you, the mystery girl i will never see again. i miss you. thank you for saving my life.