@2016-09-27 dont blame yourself, being fooled his other lack of moral, not because you are weak. Being responsible also imply not taking blame you dont deserve. Dont accept that is a counter act of something you did before. nothing deserve that. She just dont understand because she never felt it before. Now she is frigtened by the idea of you doing the same. Dont give what you dont want to give. You have control of your life. Dont take personnaly her lack of responsibility, she still try to flee the situation.trust is a descision, not a feeling. infidelity is a choice, not a mistake. You are the one who control your destiny, you stayed because you wanted to. Fuck her as long as she please you. Maybe you will enhance the relationship. she no longer own you as she used to be. you commitment is voided by her lack of. Youyou dont feel you owe her any fidelity anymore. you have to build a new relationship goal. a new dream. because that one is shattered beyond repair. Remember the thing you dont want, returning to an abusive relation as a cuck. You want your pride back, just dont let her keep your, she is the one who lost value to your sight. open relationship. this is the new dream, you love sex and now that a dream that prevented all kink to happen WILL HAPPEN @2016-09-26 shame -she deserve the shame, you dont, you didnt do anything for it. -you are not responsible for her act. trust -you asked open relationship -you basicly made her accept that. -of course she lost your trust, she lied to you over important thing. -you retaliate by not giving a single fuck for month and enjoy the sex that got better. You worked your brain for polyamory and almost succeed. -you started being less affraid of sex and gave her load of kink she enjoy. and you enjoy. -she is now aware that you dont trust her -she is now aware that you are not bound to one person anymore feel stuck -yes you have kid with a woman who did respect you and she expect you to respect her. -yes youve been cucked and staying with her is like accepting to be cucked again. -i reality she cucked you once in the begining, and didnt in 13 years. she didnt treat you right at first time and realised she was wrong. now regret. -yes she had a flirt. because she didnt tell you what really going on and she got revenge on you for a thing you didnt really do. -she hated you for something you didnt know and it was a misunderstanding. But she destroyed the couple in the process. -you fault was something, her was an intentional destruction. she is stupid. thats it. -you are not stuck with her, you are stuck within your morale. you can still dump her or cheate her. (while seducing a woman is hard for you) -you learned that you can live without her. but she learn that she couldnt live wihtout you. she is now the one to be anxious and the one to be wild. feel diminished -do sport, continu, it make you feel better in long term and should help you feeling more confident. -she diminished her self by being unfaithfull. -now her value decreased in the point of view of her husband. if she really love you, it is a torture. lonelisness -find a penmate -start participating in a social media melancolia -Stop torturing your wife. she is now committed and know how slut she as been. She is dumb. Do sex as often as you can, this work. -its hard to stop , you are affrraid to let your guard down. Its because you still care for her faithfullness, you dont want to break it. -the k7 is stopable, think about having sex with another woman, or think something romantic with myelle, it help. -you dont let your guard down if you are hunting for chicks. feel like giving her a ticket -no she can cheat whenever she want, you just dont want to "want" to cheat. -It also give you a ticket. consider that you do to other thing you accept to be doing. She gave you the right to do it. And now you know a the moment she really want commitment. 13 years late. 40years+ to go being anxious of when you will spend it. feel like a looser in front of phil. -yes and he maybe regarded you as a looser for a long time. -she trusted him more than you for years. Now that you winned her trust and respect, you are bitter to have needed to fight for it. -but in the outcome, she was the girl of his dream and he lost it. he lost it to you. and had only a farewell sex. And wanted more but got cockblocked. -they did a nasty thing together and lied to you. making you choose different path from reality. She is a shame. And you are the one who deserve apology. -she dumped her best friend (13y late) because she finally understand. -again she lost value in your point of view. -you didnt lost value in her view, maybe winned a little., and she is lossing you for what she done. She doesnt assume herself -yes this is why you choosed not to die with only two woman in your life time. She ll have to share you. Because she dont assume her choice. -she is not as strongwilled as you, not as receptive as you, not as wise as you. accept that she is stupid and use it. -in fact you can easily fool her and cheat her without ever her knowing. That is what it mean. She is naive enough to be treated like she did easily. @2016-10-03 i feel ok today . i had a train of though about how slut myelle is and i rationalised easily . It always end with, she dont exclusivity anyore . I think that as long as i am affective with her and a attentive lover, she'll be fine if i ave a flirt or a fuck buddy. i think her poly nature will naturally emerge. maybe i wont stand it. maybe she'll feel it for real and hate me. then she will understand how it hurted. but now i dont feel like being vengefull to cheat. i just feel fucking horny. @2016-10-04 had some ressentment today, for now i can calm down on some completly silly argument that seam to help my emotional side. Resentment make you look ugly. It work. For the cognitive part, you got your open relationship. And she swear that she will be honest in the future. She also tell me that she understand. just imaginning doing the same make her sick. I wonder if its made up. She is trying to put the blame on phil and justin, saying they are asshole. I tell her not to. She say she dont want to see him again. maybe its right. She first tryed to put the blame on me. Then on the 40 crisis and then on me again. And now on the two dude whom she cheated. And dont accept that i called her a slut. I kept my point and refused to retire my word. She told me that is someone who dont respect her lover. That is what she did. I am still angry about that. I still feel humiliated. I still feel not enough. I still feel that i have been fooled. I want my life back. And she now represent a deception. She dont want me to love another woman. She dont want me to do what she did, do and will do to me. I still refuse to see myself as vengeful. Because I already forgiven once. I worked my self for another one and now i had to live it again. I am tired of loving you and suffer this much when you dont follow the boundary. I dont trust you anymore because you did it so many time. You lost value in my hearth, value i am not eiger to give you back. It 's not the wedding that you spoiled, its my hearth that dont want to suffer anymore. When you take it, sometime you need to hit back to make it stop. When you give hit, you are prepared to recieve. Dont let this destroy you. Let them destory them self. Keep your hearth able to love, other people dont deserve to suffer. dont let her control you. when you are not ok with what she do, say it, she promise to listen, if she dont, yiel. If a man touch her without your permission, punch him. @2016-10-05 had melancolia, but recovered with same song, you are now in open relationship and nothing you can do will change the past, but you are now starting a new adventure. And you coded a lot today, implemented SRC for doclang. can now emit from cli and emit from rpc. need some garbage collection strategy before being production ready. because the database get filled easyly @2016-10-07 read some guide to opening the relationship, and some lecture on jalousy in polyamory. you are eiger to find someone but you are still angry at your wife stray. be smoother. be more patient. be attentive not compulsive hunter. @2016-10-14 yes you are right. you have everything you need to end the relation. she cheated and lied, then kept her affair object in our life even after i asked not to. she did not respect you in the issue she had a flirt , she fell in love in your face, and lied, keep secret, completely changed her focus to someone else. and you didnt deserve any of it. the mistake she did was to thing you deserved that, and now she just realised that she destroyed the relation all by herself. you are in open relationship now. she fear your newly taken liberty. you have the liberty to break up if she dont let you be happy. love as it was is dead. love stil there is but in a more distant way. because she is like a porcupine, the closer your are the more she hurt. @2016-10-17 When you are melancolic, only thing that appease you is thinking you are beautifull and you have right to polyamory. Mostly it is self questionning if i really want that. I think i still want what i couldn have and it tear me appart. When a cutey give you a beautifull sight or talk to you, you feel less treatened by what myelle did. you are in urge to guilt yourself so you can forgive her. For now you are kind of isolated and the only thing you can do is getting fit and more sexy. Learn confidence and seduction. so when the time come you will cum. :o) Dont let melancolia destroy you. Dont let her stupidity make you a lesser person. Get well and stray. negative feeling make you a less attractive man. @2016-10-18 strong melencolia yesterday but you manage to not fell for it, but myelle felt it. You expressed as much love as you can. And convinced yourself that yoiu dont need to be faithfull anymore because she didnt respected your boundary in the past. You asked some clarification about justin. and asked to build up the swining rule tonight. I know she want to avoid it. she repeated her desire to be mine forever and asked my help for it. i responded, i wont, i wont be faithfull at your place, it must come from yourself. I chosen to accept her the way she is. Hope she will work on it. she will have to assume what she did in the past. and allow me to do it. I consider that if she cant stand that i do the same as her. then its over. @2016-10-28 they are written, and your tongue is pierced. boundary are satisfying. she understand she cant have you like it was. she confessed being a narcissic mannipulator and that she did all that to have what she want. she was a lyer and a cheater who only think about herself. and she lost the battle against me. she gave it up and confessed. and now i feel better. this file must help me stand against that behavior. radical honesty should be practiced with her until she prove herself worth trusting. @2016-11-04 admit the fact, you are wasted every day. you dont want to be sober at work, at home, outside. but you dont feel like escaping reality. you are still there doing your shore. spending time with kids. having fun. joke, make love. you are in a party mode. before you were escaping in your imagination, but on drug you are relatively extraverted. Its like you are hiding from yourself. You become a addict. but not a specific drug addiction, you either swap alcool and weed. ,and would likely try something new if you have the occasion. and you are in a sexual rush. you want to fuck everything. Admit it, maybe you dont love her anymore, but you know that if you quit her, you will miss her and be filled with regrets. Butterfly are dead, but you still worry for her, you still admire the mother she is. you still desire her, you still enjoy her affection. But you dont trust anymore, she is a lier, a cheater, a hearthbreaker, a selfish stupid whore. who enjoy to humiliate you. You want to get revenge, because you think there is not other way to be respected. When you hit back she understand and apologise. How can i not cheat her back when leting go actually advocate the next offend in her stupid head. You want her to live the nightmare of withstand you on other arms. because she was intentionnaly hurting you that way. you want to make her understand that she cant just ask me to move on and expect thing the way it was. On the other hand. feeling pretty and loved from a lier feel MEH since 2 years, i am left unsatisfied of the current relationship. the turning of event make me wonder if it is not better for me to move away. I just know that i wont come back without compensation. And i wont redo the same stupid thing again, monogamy with her. the reality it was the deal breaker. and i dont want to let her have back what she destroyed. I regret chosing her for life mate. I am a shame to have taken back my cheating ex. Be honest with yourself! you are resentfull and the idea of cheating is the only thing that give you the guts to live another day. You were trap in a catch 22, you cant leave her without breaking your familly, cant stay without dying inside. You choosed a life changing life style that she hardly accept. she will have to withness you fucking someone else. and maybe have to share you with someone else. You intend polyamory, if you acheive it, none of her offense will have any impact, because you have decentralised your feeling. it is a supposely wise choice, but it is the only exciting thing beside returning as a cuck. she is stupid, she really thinkn she can express her term, like if she give me another chance. But in reality i give her another chance. but face the fact, the reality, you cant leave her, you cant stay in that relationship, you cant commit suicide, you are doomed to share at least 10 more years with that person who didnt respect you. You are in a suicide condition. you know life changing choice is better than killing ourself. so i decided to try being the kind of person who have sex with lot of woman while being married. your wife dont deserve fidelity and you deserve better than her. @2016-11-07 YOu have to work on recoevry now. i think you have analysed the whole question at the expense of your sanity. it is a fact, she didnt respected you at all. And since she just dont have the power she had over you. She is a emotional mannipulator. And you were limerent on that woman so you wasnt aware of the abuse. You beaten many abuse in the past . by fear of rejection she worked a lot. but were still some abuse that was grinding me after 13years. Now i know that i was that bad. and she wasnt that great. I am still glad of the familly we build and the trust we won on each other. Since she just cant do anything against me, she drowned in depression and finally confessed about her hypocrisy and begged pardon. asked help. you are aware it could be mannipulation through mercy. But you agreed on a term of honesty and to never deny affection even when angry. then you are helping her. Now that you had your clopen-relationship. and she left some leach on you and your relation with woman. you are still holding a gruge on her. You think she didnt told you all because its only what you found that she confessed. you fear that she fucked more without condom. you are not trusting her. I think i cant ever be vulnerable against her anymore. i dont want to. i cant let my guard down a third time. While i am still destroyed inside, i am getting better., i am build the polyamorous mind part by part. and i definitely plan the possibility of having a second gf. what i search, to be vulnerable again. I need to not be strong in front of someone. I need to feel there is a dream. this is what i search. and sex, lot of sex. but still i have the casette, the melancolia. I have anxiety. every time she is mean, bitch, angry or simply sad. the casette restart to make sur i wont let myself be dominated emotionally. It will take time before i can handle her emotional mood without taking it personnal. I need to stop wasting my time thinking about what she did wrong and how untrustfull she is. it is a fact and she is supposelly working through it. You have to focus on your health. that include your sexuality. that include seduction. and performance. so everytime you have the casette about her infidelity. cheat on her in your head. and when you do, dont ever think about her being sad about it like you were. she is not that kind of person. or even imagine her sucking your dick while you kiss a cutey. if you have a strong memory of when she flirted, imagine a story were you cheated her while doing this. can even write it up. already did, but do it more often - think about phil, fuck the girlfriend he had at the time or his ex today. - think about justin , fuck his asian girlfriend - think about myelle when she was disrespectfull, fuck her friend, mother, cousins. - think she did tell you all and lied about condom or other man , kiss mm and fuck her without condom, then imagine they are hanging out together while youre fluid are still inside her. - think about humiliation , imagine going to fuck her just after you cheated without condom. - think she didnt tell you anything about justin, think how far you were ready to go with elyse. you still love the mother of your child, and the friendship that you build with her. now that you dont love anymore the lover she was. you can still say that you love her. dont refrain affection while you are still mefiant. remember, she dont deserve that you waste your time thinking about how can you accept what she did. you just dont, and you allow yourself to be happy. i repeat, dont waste your time on her. enjoy what she give, dont let her have power on you. and focus on sex. that is all that you want by now. oh, dont think about her asking you permission. she told you she just want you by now and it completely faithfull but you know she doesnt even understand how stupid she is to promise you this a third time. but act by her lie unless you are certain. and never prevent her to meet a boy, it would caution her to sabotage your relationship. need a plan-b yes. if she meet someone you ask permission to build a tinder account, and pay for an ashley madison account. also with a go out budjet. so dont think about her reaction on your new relationship and her. think about how you will experience it and how you will not mess up all. if you are melancolic, imagine a conversation with a stranger, talk to a stranger even if it is not a cutey , boy, old. build relationship because this is bringing people somewhere. are you ready to truly begin your new life ? @17h15 ok it happen, i though about her fucking her ex and how she was angry at me for nothing. it make me panick. fucking slut. he was on top. and she had the guts to ask you sex after. like a rape. you always think that maybe there wasnt a condom. imagine you kiss marie michelle then take her from behind in the dungeon. cum inside, then she go out with myelle unknow my fluid is dripping her pussy. then fuck myelle the following night and enjoy in silence how you are humiliating her. and now phil, imagine you met his ex wife while pregnant and married, and then have sex with her because she is easy. and just dont think about him. another time? while at jass birthday, you slept in a tent with myelle and aurelie. imagine that you took a midnight bath. then jass joined you. a makeout then inside the house, shower then her bed room, another shower. return in the tent and take myelle while sleeping. unknowing you just had her friend. think about that time you missed the opportunity to love sylvie one night. it would have been a really tender memory think about the kiss you wanted to steal from emma just before leaving for good. and one really cool, imagine you had the guts to take amelie deserre somewhere and have a flirt, maybe sex. with her cousins. that would be harsh. those thing are worst than what she confessed @2016-11-08 though again about a possibility that she strayed while limerent on math. maybe even with alex. the doupt about what she is ashame. imagine a relationship at the college, were you are getting closer to another student like elyse or melissa. still hardly imagine it? teachers ? julie have an urband legend where she score with a student every years but she is not as hot as the accounting teachers. think that alex offended your trust with myelle. now think about seducing his crush and have her. Cath, Catherine? she is shorter than I and is a nurse metal head. Imagine I happen to know her and she start hagging arround us. then i exchange music culture with her, let her educate me with interest. draw her cards And then seduce her with mind connection and slight touch. making thing magical. finally exchange a kiss in the back of alex whom to pussy to make a move toward her. give her a crasy night then tell her how much limerent alex is. (imagine a from behind and levrette, she is skinny then just the romantic leg hug while i stand.) depending on her level of morale and sense of love: she will abuse alex for a while or toss him away and find a real man or simply go toward him. if he come to you with that event, just tell him you treated him as a brother but you treated me as an obstacle through myelle. another time ? maybe she did have something with math. then imagine something happened with jass that you didnt turn over. She slept often enough at your place, imagine while myelle sleep like a stone that you slip into jass blanket and makeout with her. now stop thinking about her. you will meet many beautyful women you are getting more handsome over the time you are getting more energic over the time you are growing more mature over the time. for now seduction tricks give you attention, it is so much effective that you are affraid that they find out your are also looking other girls. you are bonding with an engaged girl. you are solicited by woman who are very confortable with you stranger enter your personal space. focus on that, it give you hope, and you need it. while the exercise get you out of the though pattern, you are still angry and not excited at all by that phantasy. leave you empty in the end. i need an exciting phantasy. one that give you the guts to make it happen. one were i meet someone interresting that make me feel good, feel i am worth it, feel i can be vulnerable. then begin to step further in the relationship. having it brief and beautyfull. you just though about the idea of myelle asking you the permission to kiss someone. and in my current state of mind i say yes. @14h~~ i think about her kissing somebody and it dont discust me. i am surprised. like emotionally flat. or simply i got over it. or i really dont care anymore? @16:30 i am sexually triggered but i dont have any particular image in my head. im just on. my hearth is beatin. @2016-11-09 still think love may be dead. I realise that i dont have to be glad for the life she gave me, i have to be proud to have builded it with her. I diminished my value in the past 13 years, without me she wont be the mother she is. I dont have to be gratefull for the mother and wife she have been. You made her that way. While you know you will miss her, you realise that starting fresh with a new woman is less scary than continuing with her. Then you seam to be coureagous. you are ready in your emotion, but not cognitively to leave her. not even functionnally. you think about continuing to live with her despite separation. Yesterday you realised you snapped out of you limerence with myelle on july 20, and you shifted to a bus girl. then elyse... Today you realise that the how shitty husband you though you were, i wasnt true, you havent been perfect but you were strong willed to make it work and good willing to help everyone. You made myelle a better person, she enhanced thing in you too. But you were not the guy she describe as an abusive husband who shutted her and slaved her. Before her you were beautifull and people liked you back rub, sociable and alive. and then you were dead inside. You cried yesterday for jass whom you though she was a whore who didnt respect others. But she was honest, selfish and honest. She wasnt hiding her promiscutious behave. She was saying that sex had another meaning for her. And the most that i remember, she made me feel special. while myelle made me feel unworthy. i cried. Grow some emotional balls, see your value AND your flaw, you already know what you lacked, you now understand that you did your best in the environment you had. You always wanted to do thing without yieling, and you yeiled when you were desperate. you were often in an argument impasse and you yeiled because you werent listened. you understand that you were not ignoring her, you were completly tired to a point she was the only one to achieve. you didnt bail her, she bailed herself to punish you for cornering her into stop the smear campaing and humiliations. you didnt let her handle the night alone, she wasnt doing was she should and wasnt respecting you. you were not jalous, you were aware she was not truthfull. you didnt disminished her condition, you were aware she was a mannipulator inside and was legit to doubt. all your friend saw you as a very humble person, but all close friend of myelle see you as an abusive husband. grow your emotional balls, accept you were not perfect, but you were adequat. you were willing to make the good thing, and willing to doubt yourself. Consider starting fresh with someone may be less scary than staying with her. consider the possibility. i am melancolic, i cried remembering that i though wrong about a woman who made me feel special ,while i was loving a woman who made me feel awfull. Saying i shouldnt leave her because of all she did at home would mean that all i did, dont deserve to be respected. If her wife at home devotion should be prised, my devotion to bring money and my home shore i did at home was too. You worth something, you deserve love, you deserve to be recognised, you deserve to be respected. She didnt had the right to threat you that way. take your responsibility as a passive aggressive person, and accept it was not your fault if thing did not turn out the way you expected. not all black, not all white, grey. grow your emotional balls, she dont have any power anymore against you. though she can still smear against you but you are ready to stand. i think it is not a wise choice to cover the thing up. i think that if she want to break free from that pattern, that she should unveil this and rectify thing. allow yourself to decide if you love her or not, your are not obliged to love this woman, though she is not the person you thought, you dont love that woman. but you try. @2016-11-10 I want to end the hate and focus on compassion and understanding. As I say, she just paid the interest with more debt until it break. she was just gettin in a shittyer risk everytime and didnt now what to do. I wont let my guard down, she is a manipulator who already did arm. but not out of fear and resentment but with compassion and love. I want to be proud of what I do. off course she is not getting away with infidelity, you already established your compensation. All this together have to satisfy you. you will be satisfied. nothing more. not prized for your effort, not granted, satisfied. I cried a lot in the wood today, then i told myself that i dont want to hate her anymore. then the sun rised. i saluted it, said thank. While i am not into god light thing. I think that my subconscious make light brither when you have a great idea. When your brain energise a lot, its because thing make sense. Think about yourself and allow yourself to fogive. Let thing go. Let hatred fade away. Dont fear you will be a victim again of her mannipulation scheme. Just love your little monster like if you had made her. because you made her the mother she is. you made her the woman she is. you took a slut and made her a woman. And now take this manipulator and make a mature adult out of it. help her get older and wiser. And fuck her as much as you can. dont forget polyamory. Grow your emotional balls, you dont want to hate, you want to forgive, dont be affraid of her, she is now powerless. Gorw you emotional balls, let your memory a break and enjoy de image that come into your eyes., for now memories are poluted and make you unproductive. Grow your emotional balls : dont abandon yourself to anyone anymore, this is not love. be a man. be the boss. be the hero. Grow your emotional balls: embrasse polyamory, it is maybe the only way to fullfill your desire will you can. you still think it could cure fybromyalgia. Grow your emotionals balls: dont take anything personnal ever ! not your fault, not your controle, it happen, it's ok, it dont hurt if you dont care. stay cute. Grow your emotional balls: talk to stranger, extend your relationship circle, it does not interfer with introversion. you were psychologicly isolated. Grow your emotional balls: you were not that bad, she were not that good, no body is perfect, dont search for blame. Grow your emotional balls: you are not a victime but a survivor. you dont seek vengeance but compensation. Grow your meotional balls: it does not mean that you are actually stuck with myelle, you have that work to do even if you leave her. Grow your emotional balls: you cant love another woman if you dont forgive your actual one. forgive dont actually mean you will stay exclusive. Grow your emotional balls: you want polyamory or separation. this is clear in your mind. You phantasise that life style among many other alternative all your life. Grow your emotional balls: forgive her. @2016-12-07 reading above make me wonder how smart i could be. then again still unable to feel it. I cry a lot. but i am in acceptance period. I calm down. Myelle is an unnassumed victim of every thing. Doctor state that she may had sexual abuse in the past. You have a temporal invalidity . while still havent had any insurrance return . very expensive insurrance . You learned to cook flour. Myelle teached you (like she never did, it was leading to argument before) how to do it. You now know how to craft bread, tortillas, pie, cake and bechamel. You can now cook oignon soup. You think about running every day. it tickle you. Myelle work a lot in the basement with hugo. She is getting better. She made me think for years that my cuisine was discusting. She make me think I was a bad backruber. She was jaleous of what I was ready share with her. She wanted control. so she rejected my offering and shaped me. Now I am back. She appreciate my cuisine She appreciate my care. She unlocked tongue kissing... MAN I WAS DREAMING ABOUT A GOOD KISSER !!!