in software career, clog are desillusioned people in the industry who take the road of management.
while snowflake are full of idea and great project. Also bind to strict philosophy

in love busines i draw a corelation were the snowflake i was and the clog i become.
i always though that winning in love is getting married and be loyal, then build something together.
i had a lot of cute idea, like keeping myself for the wedding (fail)
getting my first time with a virgin (fail)
finding a loyal woman to raise a familly (fail)
at least i have a familly (win)
once she cheated i felt like a looser. because i didnt want to destroy kids life out of my ego i stayed and shutup
once she cheated emotionnally again 13 years later i just given up. still i cant destroy the familly for my ego.
but the snowflake i was is now a clog. I've faithfull to that dumb fuck wife for more than a decade. and i regret it.
We still want to continue the femilly , its not broken, its just US . We restarted over and setted boundary.
she kind of accepted that i dont have to be loyal anymore. and she kind of working out the idea of swinging and orgy

now i am a cheater, but i dont intend to be a lyer. maybe it will never happen, but if so i will tell her.
since then she is a sex machine, trying to prevent me to cheat by giving me every thing. making sure the grass is not greener elsewhere
the reality is i dont search for better. i search for fun. and i am really horny

________________________

2016-08-13
i opened an ashleyadison account. of course opened a new mail account
i step a feet in the infidelity and it make me feel more in control of my love life.
i still beleave its just a matter of time before she cheat again so i dont want to regret anything.
i still not flirted/dated/fucked anyone. and maybe i wont go this far.
i am now a mofo. i expect maybe a flirt with a stranger. but i dont expect the lovesite to be real help.
it just give me a hint of cheater arround. 

_________________________

@2016-08-15
myelle is getting hotter every day.
she told she still have issue with the threesome thing
i offered her to write boundary about it.
she is getting anoyed because i use more english term theese time.
what i was expecting from ashley madison. i wanted to see if there are actualy girl who want a secret relationship on behalf of someone else.
i also watched swinger dating site.
i steped in the voluntary emotional infidelity. thing she did often in the past anyway
maybe i will just contemp myself to hold a hand and kiss. discovering someone emotionally and physically.
________________________________
affair dating sits charge for every message you read and send.
you better delete your account if you can.
find best local dating site and make an anonymous account for online flirting and maybe a walk in tge wood.
and apply your saturday routine. the same that you had when kid had lessons. and on this privilegied time . date
__________________________________


@2016-08-19
I just spent whole week reliving mind movie about her cheating and i am torn appart.
it reinforced my desire to cheat her
i considered divorce
@2016-08-23
I expressed my rage in front oh her. like my father when he was intimidating. I called her a dumb slut. It hurted a lot.
She sweared that she wont accept that for long.
Following days she confessed the whole story why she cheated. And cutted all channel with him. And we cried in a big hug.
She was not positive about her ability of not cheating. she offered herself one last time. And she regret. And she is crazy about me doing the same.
well she gave herself permission to do so. its hard not to do the same when you are the only victim of her selfishness.

@2016-08-25
she feel the guilt. she fear that i'll leave. she didnt gave up on me. I know she is now the one i was expecting back then. year after i gave up on that expectation.
its something i dont want anymore. you already crossed the border and you dont really want to back off.
vengence is bad, i assume that now i am not following the book. i am looking arround to cheat and i should not.
I dont want to make her feel like i had. But i want to allow me to feel alive. I want to take back the control of my sexuality. I want to own my body. 
I want to kiss a cutey and hold her hand. I want to have a mistress. I want to have sex with two woman. I want to make love to my wife with another man.
she is already looking forward for the idea of having a threesome. but she is reluctant and she fear my reaction when confronted to it.
She had her last time, thing you are technically not allowed to have. But you already made that choice when she benched you for someone else.
In reality, m their is no rational reason to trust her again. You only have emotional reason. You assume she will do it again. And I allow myself.

@2016-09-03
you maybe have failed with elyse, but it was just a first try.
you have opened an account to secretly meet woman.
you have now training habit that make you desirable.
and you have beaten the fear of joint. you can now approch a stoner girl and getting to know her.
it happened before to have opportunity with other woman and it will happen again. enjoy them when they come.

@2016-09-04
it is my pride that hurt the most. myelle have it so much easy and i have it so hard.
she can fuck everyone and ill be here waiting for a sign from another girl.
myelle is really hard bonded to me. she is working me a lot. and i dont feel it. i want someone else. i think that the love we had is gone.


Rules:
    follow the book. and tell her if you feel for someone else. only if it go somewhere
    continue to give her affection, make love as often as possible, retrieve your massage skill.
    do house shore, if you find undone thing. finish it, you are not perpetually tired anymore
    continue to flirt with stranger and Elyse, it really make you feel worth something.
    if you have the opportunity to do it, dont hesitate, you currently have regret on being loyal even if you shouldnt.
    listen to her. what she say is meaningfull, love her, she is the mother of your child.
    you are not protected anymore in the monogamy paradigm.

@2016-09-16
you asked open relationship. she said yes with tears. But you know she dont want to. you also confessed about elyse. she is angered.
now you have made your point, you have no reason to torture her anymore. you got what you wanted. you are ready for consequence.
if she punish you for that you'll know their is nothing to save.
cheating back is not necessary a vengeance , it is also a test to see if the offending SO is able to assume his act.
Whe you hit someoone it is because your are ready to be hitted.
anyway it was nothing such a vengeance. its just reappropriation of self esteam.
I have new rule to observe.
-stay healthy
-more affection to your SO, your part of the deal
-be honest to your SO, both way
-be present for her
-do house chore you can do
-allow yourself some time.
-stand against her, when you know she is unreasonable.
this is it. open relationship, this is the outcome of the tempest. you considered divorce and threesome, but you gone through it.
You will have to stand this point and never let her have your fidelity back until you at least had someone once.
And dont consider the following until you had once. But prepare for divorce. it is not out of scope.
its done for elyse.
and the reason you keep from her infidelity, she though it was an appropriate way to get revenge when you are not the way she want. how dumb. She just lost.


@2016-09-21
now more ease with the idea of polyamory
I know ill have to share myelle, but if she want to , nothing prevent it nayway.
maybe i am triggering it. but she is not happy anyway.
We are not happy.
I am not really considering myself a cheater.
It was the pride and trust. I dont stay in a relation i dont want.
I choose a kind of relation that is MUTUAL . And its not mutual to accept her flaw and still be faithfull.
I will love someone
I will love her back
we will be happy.
If i catch her fucking someone.
I will join. if he dont want, shall he quit and ill finish her. how it work.
It will prevent me to resent the image and turn it into a good memory.

@2016-09-27
When a important deception occur, instead of trying to retaliate, 
i just stop giving what ive been fooled. Like alex and corb whom i stoped to host.
This is the same thing with fidelity. to much deception, i take back my exclusivity.
its far from revenge. its ajustment of my behavior so i dont get hurt again.
In this case, quiting her would be the easy road. openrelationship is the hardest.

@2016-09-28
how i end up like this. its not because of phil, the hearth break was already done before you learn the truth.
It is hard to figure the time frame when it happened.
Memories:
  i am not sur of the order of the even, 
  - internship occured within wbegining of 2014 and ended on may 20 got the job
  - had school and job to whole autumn after.2014
  - remeber having the wall down in a discution, she mentionned crush for mathieu and justin
  - remember having said to myelle later that i was unconfortable having her spend so much time with Albert and Justin. She was already out of control.
  - remember having asked to moderate three time before the incident, one of these in the summer 2015
  - during summer i upseted her by not having again did anything for her bday. it must have helped making her feel unloved.
  - this is where i frame the 3 month affair, autumn 2014
  - incident arround winter 2014-5 messy winter .  hearthbreak
  - job change may-aoril 2015 mean i got contract may 20 2014
  - appartment move 1s june 2015 (saw her crying in the bath tub before that)
  - marie organised a bday party for myelle, saving the day
  - justin and laurent who looked gay sun bathting (at that moment myelle left justin)
  - saturday morning, got closer to gaelle, autumn 2015 
  - yoga lessons (catching up together) winter 2015 (tibo mother died)? (long walk in the snow)
  - karate lesson spring 2016 (taking a lot of time for myself)
  - my limerence in june 2016 (and i knew for phil)
  - elyse flirt i still didnt got over
  - kickboxing lesson summer 2016 
  - deserre party, (i chosen to become a cheater)
  - first time i organised a bday party for myelle, thank marie
  - elyse flirt i still didnt got over
  - now autumn sept 2016 
It began two years ago. and it ended a year after. another year after i fell appart.
Something exploded during june 2015. it was painfull, but it made me stronger.
A dream felt appart a year before. And you got on your feet in not time,
acted as if it was ok. You handled the situation with patience.
And you cryed alone, unrecognised. Unable to understand why.
Now you see her walking toward you but you want to push her away.

@2016-09-29
You focus on a new dream. At least building it. You are zen today. You are aese with your new self.
You found yourself pretty in the mirror. its been a long time. you are starting to like your self.

you have new goal set, physical, always easyest thing todo when you feel hopeless. having a good health help building good esteam.
You have no real opportunity, you had an impression to be noticed.
a young woman looked at my direction and switched as soon as i looked forward.
i smilled and put my headphone, then tap finger on my phone, notice a teen doing the same thing a few moment later. 
One gaze and one mimicry. That is hearthwarming. I feel handsome enough to be approached. And not being rejected if i do so.
And i remember that elyse find me handsome. And i remember that marie literally told me im pretty and spanked my ass on my birthday.
I know i am getting more of what justin had i didnt. And myelle is melting in front of me "I think".
I should put it on facebook, maybe ill have flirt i didnt knew i could have. That is mean. It will make myelle even more anxious.
I feel better, i asked god to lend me the power to evolve of this. and i think i had some. Its is impossible to will ourself into recovery
I am still going to enjoy what come to me, without any hesitation. I am willing to be honest to myelle about it. She already know were i am.
She regret how she treated me, she regret and love me. You treated her whore and asked open relationship.
Nelson Mandala said, resentment is like drinking a poison in hope it will kill your enemy. Stop drinking the poison.
You felt it because you didnt want to just let go. It was a quit of face, you faced it.
You cant really have more now that you already had, she cutted bridge with phil, she pulled away from justin, and allowed you open relationship
She also sweared that she will do anything she can to win your trust again. And you already trust her to desire it, just dont want to let her know.
you want to know more about your myelle, but it is hard to learn. But you will understand. And you will experience it too.
This depression have been productive because you worked out some anxiety, social skill, health issue and now you stand in front of your wife.
You dont look anymore where you go on a long term. You are only focused on today and not even tomorrow bother you.
You are impatient in love quest but you will calm down. you though that falling in love while in a relation is less hard that when alone.
It is as hard but last far less longer. Because rejection feeling dont last when someone already want you.
I though that you cant love more than one person, and you were wrong. you love many woman. and actively three at the moment.
You love all your kid equally though. Then you can accept that myelle loved two man but only been physical with you.
What do you want in the future?
Where do you see yourself at 42 49 56 63 ?
With who you want to get older ?
You dont have now this answer.
What do you want to do now?
  - want to run 5k
  - want to become better in martial arts
  - want to be a yoga master
  - want aurelie to flourish on scene
  - want gaelle to find this kind of passion
  - want jade to kick ass in magic
  - want violette to become a great person
  - want myelle to be happy
  - want to heal
  - want a lot of sex
  - want to have an adventure with someone who will make you feel special
  - want a threesome, want an orgy, want a swing, want a hidden kiss
  - want to fuck myelle in front of a friend who watch.

  - i want to go naked in a tube with more than one woman. and play with a glass of wine.
You dont see now where you want to go in 7 years but you know where you want to be now.
Today you promised myelle a good night of sex, because you healed from flu
and have lot of energy, runned three time today. little 5-10min jogging.
And did yoga. and eaten well. not felt any sugar drop.
You lost all your fat in no effort, nothing more than spending your rage in training.
rule to try to follow:
  - continue the work out, you are doing it for a releif and it pay a lot in long term
  - stop resentment, it make you ugly (look how silly you are about look)
  - have sex as often as you can, dont let leasyness beat sex drive.
  - start to read novel, it helped in the past. and you find beautifull people who read.
  - continue your medication, training related, sex related.
  - do house shore when you find them, dont forget to tell her you did because she wont notice and say you do nothing. Not because she is bad, you dont notice anything yourself.
  - continu to look people in the eye while talking, you look less dumb when you do, and make people nervous, respectuous. Like if you were one of those who make girl melt.
  - You are not a cuck in front of phil, you are the alpha who taken her from him.
  - you are not less than justin, he just had a flirt with a broken woman who dumped him when she realised what she was doing.
  - she didnt cheat to humiliate you, she humiliated herself.
  - you could find a penmate if you want to talk to someone

@2016-10-07
open relationship, you have to work on it. You have to make yourself ready for the comming of another lover in her life.
mean you must be strong if she come with one first.
she is more powerful seducer than you are.
she already strayed before.
anyway you already gone through this a year ago. be stronger and dont let her the power to hurt you.
when we say vulnerable again, does it really suit the situation, i already tryed hard for it and it didnt pay.
I will stray.


@2016-10-11
this log is to make sure i will get positive return from that suffering.
make sur i wont fall down in confort zone again and wait for her to stray again.
if i stay, i stray too. and we must ensure that it will happen.
I will reconsider once ice is broken, not before.
she want us to be exclusive by now, as if it wasnt supposed to be a first. but she cheated for only selfish reason.
And try to keep me for the same reason. i wont let myself destroyed by her. now i am alpha. i wont ever be on my knee like before.
The reality, she cheated me and i should have quited her long time ago. now i cant because i had child with her, and it is not child fault. only her.
I gave her the family she wanted, she gave me the familly i wanted. but she didnt gave me wife i deserved. And she dont deserve the man i was.
I become the clog, because it is the man she deserve. the clog is detached, the clog i polyamoruous, the clog dont say no to him self when it come to love. the clog stray. the clog is awesome at bed, the clog is romantic, the clog dont beleave in ethernal love. the clog dont want monogamy anymore.
current status, you have only your cheating wife.
you have strong friendship with a plump lady, you actually love her, for her body. you dont really mind some of her flaw.
but she is with a friend of your that dont deserve to be destroyed. And she live to far away.
you think that there is maybe a connection but it does not void statement above
you have a very intelligent crippeled friend who make your hearth skip a beat.
she is not officially with anyone but have a fuck buddy and have targeted a friend of your.
you had 4 flirt with her and then she pushed you away. you think she may be not completly cold to you, but the rationality say not to. and she is strong mentally.
unless she open back the channel, nothing can come out of it.
you know a beautyfull young gamers who is plump and with a friend of yours, for same reason you dont touch.
you know a new mother who is a gorgeous emo and dont really mind her bf straying. as she said. But since she got a toddler, she dont have time anyway. And you respect her bf.
you know vegan who is a good friend, and you admire her bf. Dont think anything of it but you would accept him to touch myelle in a couple exchange.
You know a french woman who stayed her husband and always been kind to you. maybe you were a crush.

@2016-10-17
you feel an urge to stray, like if making you guilty will help you forgive myelle. it could work, this is how you let your pride go for love.
do you think you will love her more after having cheated. i dont think its directly related. but i need to invalidate the felony. i need the ability to say, yes me too.
She talk about the idea of threesome again. Trying to give me hope she will be ready.
it is a little crazy and really mean, but... you rod about a guy whom girlfriend asked him to get a second gf just for sex. because she couldn handle the sex drive.
It make me think about myelle who is borderline unable to cope with me. While you respect her, you have a sex drive at its highest.
sex is good with her, and more and more amazing, she start asking for a slow down in the process.
maybe you could try to have her every morning too. wake up at 6' and bone her till 30. add this to the goodnight marathon.
it is not unhealthy, and it is better than coffee. then maybe she will ask help from a friend.

@2016-10-25
no sex every morning didnt happen
we written boundary, she confessed to be a narcissic abuser, that can explain the behavior. but i told her, if you respected me in the past, you allow me to do all you did.
I did the piercing the following day. its done, i have a tongue ring. i have that sexy weapon. once healed i should be able to do it twice a day. till then ill sleep.
I've put my hands on tarot, why, because it is a psyche tool that  help feel better and reflect on inner self. its a mediation.
the clog can seduce someone by reading his card. I am not repeal by mystic crazy girl.
my tongue is starting to return to red, slowly, awesome !!!

@2016-10-27
I definitly have a crush on MM. I daydreamed about a kiss with her while wearing make up. thing that discust me. it was hot.
I told her a week ago that she should leave her bf if he dont want to go the same direction you want., she is not the only one to make conscession.
But i was true, she want a bay before 30, he want to fullfill his career before, hes not gonna reproduce before 30, for her that mean almost 35. it will be to late.
He is not confortable having a big fat girlfriend, i know the look of other fellow is hard on us. I had that problem fetishing big girl, but once you affirm it you are free.
I am affraid that she will not like my piercing. I think she is not into these. even if those who dont like it will still wonder how kiss is. I am reluctant to show her.


@2016-10-28
I am a narcissic abuser survivor. And I beaten her at the cost of myself. Now I have her like she never been mine. I am affraid that the day i am gonna be vulnerable again that she abuse me again. I am not sure that ill return to mono with her.
It is not that she deserve to be cheated on. but i deserved your honesty and respect. And you didnt grant me trust. So i granted myself to be free of the burden of your abuse.
I wont walk on pride another time for this relationship where i found love without respect, devotion with lie and fidelity in a love triangle. I am done with it.
Maybe the relationship wont survive but I will. I am resolved to live and not let her the power to break me anymore.
This way i refuse to be treated like before, because I no longer let her get away with contradiction.
I dont let her gaslight me, project me, triangulate me. i stoped caring about her faithfullness.
now my eyes are wandering because i dont care about monogamy anymore. staying with her is incompatible with monogamy.

@2016-10-31
I eye gazed mm, and we spent time together. She told me the "i like/love you" french confusion. 
I did this while still romancing myelle a lot. It was a debut in polyamory adventure.
since two week i didnt really train, i had a 3km run and a karate courses, but no yoga no sort of training. 
I need to get back to it. I already feel sort of energy lowering everyday. vitamin D helped today.
I must get back to shape, i wanted to have sex twice a day with myelle.

@2016-11-01
once i beaten the mannipulator i started to discover the woman i married and raised child with. wall fell. and we are building on common ground now.
she lost the grip she had over you. and now she seam to respect you. even worked hard to make you bond with friends. she is now aware of what she did.
thing is getting calmer. you and her work hard to make it work. you change a lot,and feel you just start knowing her.
i am not sure of what i could expect now. i had to break the women i love because she was abusing me. and now i find it hard to be vulnerable again.

@2016-11-03
had some success staying calm in front of her having a crisis. i managed to calm her and bring her on track.
gave her attention, love care and understanding. and then once she was calm i had a talk about the incident so she dont focus on her anger but on being better.
this is what i promised, to stand agains her irrationnality. And not let any doubt about the incident.
before when she did wrong thing and i try to prevent or tell her, she was getting angry at me and it wasnt even possible to talk about what she did wrong,
it was always my fault in the end. but keep saying i was putting all on her fault. it was projection. that night i succeed managing that crazy wife.
but she is back , the crazy studborn wife who always emotional try to control you is back. stand agains her.
She talked again about monogmay, try to convince you its done for her. she cant stand you kissing someone else, she dont want to kiss someone else.
I didnt respond. i didnt know what to tell her. beside, i dont beleave you. or i dont want to return to monogamy.

@2016-11-04
i had melancolia. i wasted an entire night walk in the wood cursing her for her infidelity.
I asked her right now to have a night in a lover room with spa. it seam to be 150$ for a night in hotel la marquise. quite interesting for a woman who cant bring me at her place.
yesterday i had some insight that i was looked at., lot of drunk university girl who see themself as woman and feel like ready to build a familly.
I consider that i maybe dont love myelle anymore. but i love her in another way. she is a lot of thing to me. but love with butterfly is dead.
Then i start to define what i want. i want to meet someone else than myelle. I want to feel love from another woman. I want to feel the love, not just express it.
I want someone who will make my day exciting. I want someone who will make me evolve. I want someone who will be ok with my situation. I want someone to show me what is desire. I want to know if i can love myelle again. I want to make her prove she is worth fighting for.
I know this person will end up being myelle. but i need to step back in order to want it. I have to stray love someone else to relearn what is love.

@2016-11-07
the real reason you want another relationship is because you want to be vulnerable again but you are completely unable to lend it to your wife because she completely wiped her ass with your trust many time before.
you are now married with a emotionnal abuser who still hardly assume herself. you cant be vunerable ever again. you work by honesty like when you want to make peace with an enemy. it is a necessary evil.
Myelle is officially your wife, the mother of your child (good one), the sex bond, and then a life mate.
You win her friendship and trust over time but it was hard. but while butterfly are gone, she is your queen, nothing else. You will now threat this relationship as a duty and not a blessing, it will be hard but take it as a task you have to accomplish for your kids. She is your concubine.
Its up to you to find the kind of love she cant give you. else where with a mistress.

@2016-11-08
you grow disinterrest in mm while you analyse her act and the way her bf is anxious. you think she cheated her ex with him and he know, because he replaced the boyfriend, now he know hell be next.
you understood that what you were searching were more in elyse than mm. because she actually satisfy your sapiofetish and emotionnal fetish. juste stand in her eyes is a bless.
myelle hardly let you connect with her by the eyes, she said she is not used to this. and ask me to slowdown. I just dont want to slow down , im searching love in her eye, i only see fear and distrust.
i imagined that myelle asked to kiss a man today, and i said yes. and no anxiety. i just dont mind.
i looked an article in your tango, 15 sign you are going to cheat and all but one apply to me now.
i experience a complete detachment as well as dematerialisation of myself. I dont want anything. I dont feel empathy anymore. I am not excited of anything anymore. I dont fear to loose anything anymore.
I know this will return but now i just dont really live my actual life. I am not happy at all.
sometime when i write, i hear my voice, and i fear to have said my text out loud.

@2016-11-09
start seeing my value as the man i was during my relationship with myelle. while i was seeing me as a coward, emotionally abusive, violent and jealous. 
I start seeing the calm gentle boy that had a lot of pressure on its shoulder. I saw the beautifull martin who become an ordinary guy who affraid of everything.
I was able to befriend a complete stranger and make friend easily, and i become an akward husband who cant take care of himself.
Many woman saw my value as a father, and some approached me. maybe they saw how myelle was misthreating me or they were as much egocentric as myelle.
She did smear campaign against me, event that motherfucker ex phil started respecting me after a while. because hypocrisy tend to fade in charisma.
I am now aware that I was blind, completly blind on how she threated me. No respect at all for me. No respect at all for herself anyway.
I made her the mother she is, because i prevented her lot of stupid error because i knew what to do with kids. And she didnt.
I worked my passive aggressive behavior, my jelousy and my anger. But i made her stop, humiliation, smear campaing. 
I told mm two weeks ago about when she was sick and pregnant, that i was doing everything in the house and how a presto save the day many times. She was surprise as if i was doing nothing at home.
The verdict, she is not the person you thing she was, and you were not a bad life mate that deserved her, you made her better. And you were better that she remind you.
You dont have to be in debt with her because of the familly and housewife she have been. She is not reconnaissant of what you gave her. Dont waste you life proving her wrong.
You snapped out your limerence. And you did a great job with the ressource you had. you can turn that page whenever you want wihtout regret.

@2016-11-15
today is the first day of a break
i will open a tinder account , first i will search for friendship. but i will too lurk non-single woman to see what can i find.
i dont think i will go forward. but with a couple break i will have some free time.
just encounter someone interresting will make me enjoy my day to day struggle.
i feel so isolated. and myelle is now smearing me from all my friends. unconsciously. I sometime have a bad role when she talk.
i am a clog now. i wont let myself bend in front of another emotional abuser.

@2016-11-21
just ended pills. you were a real zombi trap in hurtfull though. it made you muscle stiff. unconfortable
just had hello from a cutey on tibder.
myelle is doing her anxiett crisis every day.
i just feel like check mate suckers.
i will set clear breakup boundary .
so she will accelerate her "healing" if she really want me back.
no sex since ten day.
we kissed a lot at the spa. i wouldnt waste opportunity to kiss in a spa and in a saunas.
it was good.

@2016-11-24
i fimally got heard by myelle.
i feel beter.
you feel like you are cornered in your relationship.
but today
you know that logicly myelle assume you will cheat on her one day.
you know that elyse liked you. and still hangout with you.
despite being little decieved still care .
she know you crush her. she know how myelle threated you
marie know a part of what myelle did.
marie know yoi crush her
still trust you.
you assume that they are sometine fapping about you.
they assume you will not be faithfull one day.

@2016-12-06
you are going to accept your life as a cuck.
accept what hapoened and move on
dont forget to keep your head up.

@2016-12-07
had extension of your job off, new kind of pills.
how i feel. i dont want to design something. i dont want program. i dont want to create. I feel like i am wasting my time not having sex...
I watch lot of porn and scroll dating site a lot. i look every girl. when myelle pass by i offer her a make out every time.
tonight she is watching horror movie with elyse. she changed, i had hard time watching some horror movie because she didnt. but walking dead.
now i write about the fact that my creative urge switched to a sexual urge. doctor stated that my testosterone was ok.

you are handsome dude, dont forget to enjoy it.

@2016-12-08
had sex with myelle this morbibg  had fun making out a lot before dinner.
i masturbated on a devil threesome. just focus on the girl that get pleasure.
i came. the girl moaned like a multiorgasmic. cock swap. cunulingus. that was dirty
i start to build on compersion. i begin to see myself as polyamorous.
i hace to learn to take it less persobnal.
i will focus that mantra while takibg the medication.
i will continue to be open to flirt.
i really love fat chix btw.

@2017-01-7
isuccessfully allowed myself to phantasise with a prostitute.
even hinted myelle about it and sheis interrested. even asked for sex tourism. wow
then i learned some accronym like GFE girlfried experience (blowjob and pussy with condom)
CIM (cum in mouth)
DFK (deep frenchkiss)
yes i spotted some tatooed girl. no fat chix yet.
i found a brown girl nicknamed sophie. seam to ask 6p$hour for GFE. 28y 5.6 curly. i like her

i am really currious how it work and if i will really enjoy the ride.
i also search for fuckfriend online but i dont register nor advertise.
most site are paid. 
more like paying for a professionnal
@2017-01-02
myelle confessed she fucked all her fuckfriend in a row before going with me.
and phil missed his chance. that is why she cheated.
it dont really making me more understanding. it piss me to have been cheated for a whinny silly reason.
I am shocked to have engage to a woman in these condition.
I told her what i though i was engaging. she appologised.
She love me a lot.
She gave me permission to cheat.
well as if i will be able
i started looking at professional.
some interesting girls out there.
the clog is now open to prostitution.
I also found website for liberty fucker.
i am alone for the night.
i am willing to cheat her.
i will have sex from her and i will cheat her.
i will get the most yield of sex
i love sex. she love sex, this is why she ruined our love.

@2017-02-24
feb 13 we separated
since then thing didnt get better.
i got better. anti anxiety pills work.
its done
she is dating on tinder.
its done.
she is sorry but dont see it as deal breaker.
i let her be herself and ill see if it fit me.
i am searching on dating site actively