i will start with the painfull part. i expected you to be as much faithfull as i was. and ive been decieved. i will not cheat, even flirting, i kept distance with all girl i would bang. i kept the priority to be your support. to be right to you. not to make you sad. apologise. i avoided the ginger clerk at convenience store because you were jalous. i also avoidee all other chix there. i eefused to return watch a movie with jazz. or eat a cake with her. and i completely closed my hearth during return to school. i deleted all my porn. you found backup, i deleted them. i canceled all my love site account with all friendshop i created there. i was not perfect i lied to you i fooled you i didnt beleaved you when you told me you were fybromyagic i was thinking you were faking. i didnt beleaved you when your lung got sick. i let you all the burden of home admin i got angry when you failed i got crush on all your friend you slept in the same bed as your ex you told me that you asked him to stop trying to get her (that mean something hapened) i later told myelle this and she were very sorry we agreed to start over as a couple who love each other we written the boundary we made love it hurted, but i already knew, and it torn me appart. she must have felt like shit when i told her i declined an opportnity to have a night with a girl iv affectionnated for her. because she was hiding this to me you lied to me in order to get thing you wanted. i knew this day. you told me that you are not my servant and il make my breakfast lunch myself. your ex came by an hour later . you did him breakfast. he kissed you on the forehead) once i was feel sad and i asked you to stay with me. you insisted that you need to go. i repeated that it was important. your mind was set. you later told me about bernie. (i forgiven you for the context but dont bring back plz ) you opened love site account (i opened one too just to egalise) you kept your cyberflirt relation with two dude. you threw one away proudly telling me this the other died because he was fat but by the time you took pic of yourself for him you neglected us to see your new friend you simply let me alone the entire offtime i once aksed you to stay with me and you insisted i started to hate him you were getting physical i asked a break you then hide i aksed you again you stood up that day i realised that you were not the one i though you were. while you were positive on the idea to work off the couple and get old together. you just didnt get it with fidelity. i just to this conclusion. i was expecting something you werent willing to offer. and you never did. i decided that i loved my kids more than myself and i left the expectation. i also told you to do as you please but dont forget us again myelle is not a rational person. she is enthousiastic and regret later. while i faer regret and i plan. it led to lot of friction. i just stoped to expect fidelity from you. i just keep you as my best friend, spouse, lover, but i dont expect it in return i will take you when you want me and try to man the fuck when you dont. i will stay honnest to you, maybe to honest i will continu to respect you even when you dont. i will stop to illusionise the relation and see it as it was. and i will finally allow my self to bond with a girl then it happened i got limerent. i currently work on it. the entire candycrush folder is about that. i told you. you started to feel anxious to lose me. i literaly have porn movie level sex every night. i discovered i was poly amorous. and i choosed monogamy i love you more than i love myself i love our children and my hearth open {turn out i was right with her ex. i told her i know. she told me and you still want me ? i said yes} mybwifebis stupid cunt. she dont rationalise and act. I grieved my relation dream, and i cryed. I had to convince my self i was still honorable. I had to stop feel dirty for it. I had to stop caring about this. I had to griev on the idea to never let this happen again And accept the pain And because that boundary is opened I feel like i want to cheat her not really as a vengeance i just give myself the right to feel it too. she didnt let herself crave for it anyway its like i am giving myself the permission to have too a romance maybe selfish illogic thinking, but if i accept that it happened for her, and i accept it can happen, i just accepted it can happen for me. the only thing that keep me from doing it (first i havent seduced a lady anyway) is that i know the pain she will suffer. Pain she lended me three time at least in the last 20 years. You were just stupid, and fucking affraid to tell me because i sweared that i would quit you. I dont feel like i wasted my time with you. but i feel like i missed lot of opportunity to love because of my insecurity I ve been completely faithfull for 13 years. Now i want to feel handsome to seduce, taste, smell yes i feel like i wasted 13 year of faithfullness I could have keep contact with marie-andree I could have kissed emma I could have slept with sylvie I could have keep relation from nordia I could have fucked jazz And her blue friend too I could have become friend with isabell (ginger clerk) I could have debated with bellinda I could have dreamed socialism with michou I woulnd have take distance with your ex ex, the girl who studied medecine and finished most of my sentence, strong connection I could have hugged marie I would have let caro flirt with me I could have keep in touch with evolena I could have given some love to elyse I could have talked to LO i still dont tell you everything i have to admit i began to flirt with elyse nothing obvious, i just looked at her in the eye afte hug. and appreciated some little thing she may herself not notice touched her index with mine while she gave me a lighter after a hug, her hand slided on my arm like trying to maintain contact as long as possible and i want more i dont have real attraction to elyse, but it hurt me to see her so lonely in her suffering. now that i accept that your are sometime a slut. i want to offer you a threesome i want to be two on you but it is still blurry in my head how i will cope with another dude touching you. I also fantasise bringing another girl in our bed with you. I lost faith in fidelity. It is easier to trust you by not expecting you to be faithfull. this is how i end up wanting to rebuild the mariage. i accepted that your are a lier and i understand that you care on us. I still care us. I dont want you to feel the pain i endured. But i want to feel the adventure you had on my behalf. I understand it was once. in the begining. And then you only had one limerence i didnt know and one i warned you about. But the passion broke in the very begining, i felt stuck with you because i wanted to stay with the kids. And i loved you again. in reality when rebooted the relation so much time in secret. but the first treason ripped me appart. this treason lasted 13 year of lie and the worst, he was often with you in the later time. he owned me so many time on this one. you forced me to smile in front of him while he knew he fucked you while pregnant of aurelie. and because you are a lyer, i expect more of this. I wont be surprised to learn you fucked him many more times later. i dont want to be the cuck anymore. i dont want to be the perfect husband anymore i still want you, but you are not anymore alone in my hearth.